Monday, 10 October 2011

My Core Boundaries - what is completely unacceptable to me in a relationship

In my quest for self-improvement and enlightenment, given my past relationship experiences I thought it was high time I sat down and established my core boundaries for any potential future partner I have a committed relationship with.  I realised that in order to successfully move forward I need to understand and recognise the unhealthy relationship habits and mistakes of the past so I can change them and evolve into a better me.

Ever get fed up of being on the relationship roundabout, going round and round, fleeting highs and lows of the emotional roller coaster? Feeling like you have this nagging feeling that all is not well, feeling happy on the surface, but underneath it all, there's underlying sadness, frustration, anger and diaspora.  Wondering why the source of your pleasure also seems to be the source of your pain?

Getting mad at the situation, but never really figuring out what the root cause of it all is?  Focusing all your time and energy on the effect of the next big thing as opposed to what it is that really is making you unhappy?

Doing the same thing and expecting a different result?  But wondering where the fuck you went wrong?

Today I got home from work and decided to do some homework on myself.  I realised that my past relationship patterns have been seriously unhealthy due to a lack of core boundaries.  Well I had them, but I never enforced them.  This led to me feeling frustrated, confused, saddened, and my self-esteem taking a battering.

I wrote down a list of core boundaries so I could see in black and white what I find to be completely unacceptable, then started the task of looking at past relationships, what occurred and how many boundaries I had allowed to be broken.  It came as a shock.  A real sharp, shock to the system.  Virtually all my past relationships involved the majority of my boundaries being broken.  Is it any wonder why I've felt like shit when the core values I hold true to myself have been trampled on?  Now I'm not saying that I hold the other parties completely to blame here, because a person can only do what you allow them to get away with.

However, in hindsight, had I taken heed of my core boundaries and assessed the state of my relationships on these core values, I would have been in a better position to put a stop to unacceptable behaviour or opt out sooner and realise the relationships I've been engaging in, for the majority of my adult life have been unhealthy.

So after careful consideration, these are MY core boundaries, things that I find completely unacceptable in any relationship and what I will assess any potential future partner against.

A list of the major No-No's:

  1. Must not be attached - Married/Girlfriend/Separated/Lurking Ex GF's
  2. Must not be verbally/physically/emotionally abusive
  3. No booty calls/casual relationships/Friends with Benefits
  4. No commitment dodging - must be clear he wants a relationship.  No flip-flapping, leaving me unsure, wondering if we have a relationship or not.  Making me feel I'm losing my mind in the relationship.
  5. Must not blow hot and cold
  6. Must not have addictions - drugs/alcohol/gambling/sex
  7. Must not rely on me financially
  8. Must not treat me as an option - I need to be a priority in his life
  9. Must not be emotionally detached - lacking in empathy.  Needs to have the ability to consider my feelings and the impact of his actions and words on me
  10. Must not expect me to exclude those nearest and dearest to me and be jealous of the time and love I have for them (and I'm not talking about other lovers)
  11. Must not be dishonest/lie/cheat/steal
  12. Must not be all talk and no action - MESSING with my head/future faker/future avoider to get what he needs from me in the present.  The actions and the words must be in sync
  13. Must not be a lazy communicator - the bulk of our communication can not be via text/email/IM
  14. Must not enter and disappear from my life with little or no explanation and expect to press the "reset" button and pick up where we left off.  I call that convenient relationship amnesia
  15. Must not expect me to accept random ridiculous situations that cause me to devalue myself, treat me with disrespect, erode my self-esteem and break my trust.  The relationship cannot be based on this dynamic
  16. Must not expect everything in the relationship to be on their terms - I AM AN EQUAL CO-PILOT in this relationship
  17. Must not be jealous, controlling or manipulative
  18. Must not be narcissistic, egotistical, chauvinistic
  19. Must not expect me to do all the pursuing, organising, loving, giving, while he takes what is on offer and doesn't contribute equally
  20. Must not be selfish sexually
  21. Must not keep me a secret from family and friends
  22. Must not be evasive about inviting me to his home after a period of time.  It isn't acceptable to only be visiting my house, or hotels, etc

I began analysing past relationships, experiences and so far I've looked at four relationships.  I was shocked to find that of the four I evaluated at least 15 of my 22 boundaries had been broken.

With this is mind, is it any wonder I've felt like a hamster on a wheel.  Going round in circles.  Wondering why I've felt so bad.  Giving my all and left wondering what on earth I could have done to make things work.  If my boundaries are being breached, no amount of loving, willing, waiting, hoping, giving, trying, etc is going to make it work.  All that's happening is my self-esteem is taking a bruising and I'm effectively contributing to my own abuse.

Now I have my boundaries written out in black and white.  They're on a list.  Think I'll stick them on the wall.  I will compare the actions and behaviour of the person to the core boundaries and use the core boundaries as a benchmark to assess whether or not it is wise to emotionally invest myself into a situation.  If a relationship isn't working and the person returns, if the core boundaries I've listed are occurring, then they have to be resolved or going back to the relationship won't make things better.  We'll be repeating the same pattern over and over again.

So folks, have you thought about your boundaries?
If you have them, what are they?
And by sticking firmly to your boundaries have you found that you have been more successful in relationships?

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Nonsensical nonsense and a whole lot of bull shit.. I've heard it all!!

Evening folks

Sitting in my bedroom on a Saturday afternoon, drinking a few glasses of red wine.
Still haven't gotten around to going for my pedicure and nails, maybe later (but not too much later).

Good news is my mum is improving, slowly but surely.  Now onto soft solid foods and starting physiotherapy in relearning how to walk again.  I can now make out a few words, but the majority of it still comes out in babble.  Its been over four weeks since she's been at the hospital and there's been no news as to when she may be discharged.  Although when she is, if her condition remains the same, life will be completely different for her and the family.  Trying to maintain hope and optimism but realising that it's a long slow recovery process.

Trying to get my life back on track hasn't been easy.  It feels like I'm so far away from the carefree Amil earlier this year.  I know I need to get back to the gym, get back to camming, sort out my routine for LIFE in general.  Not so easy to pick up where I left off, but have to succeed, some how, some way.

This week, I thought I received amazing news.  The guy I had previously been seeing finally grew some "balls" and ended his current relationship.  Oh my God, great news.. or so I thought.. but with so many things and people there's always a catch.

Here's the catch.. let's call his OH "X"
Although the relationship has ended and X who apparently agrees that they are both in a comfortable "rut" and knows he wants to be with someone else:

I'm not permitted to phone him at anytime other than during the working week at lunch time.  Otherwise he'll call me.  No evenings or weekends as he's conscious that X may hear him talking to me and it may cause X to become upset or distressed.

He is still going on dates with X to the theatre, shows, parties, etc because apparently these were booked six months in advance and they will be going as friends.  There are about ten events that run through until at least mid November.

He can't plan any overnights or weekends away with me any time soon because he's concerned about how X will take it.

He can only see me fortnightly because he may have to put his car into the garage, his dry cleaning and maybe see surveyors for the house on the weekend.

Oh and the other day we met for an appointment he had, I travelled over three hours to give him support (apparently he's been going through highs and lows what with "breaking up") and also because its been several weeks since I've seen him.. He conveniently forgot to tell me he was going out with X on a pre-booked evening out so after the appointment we had perhaps an hour to chat before he had to head off for this date.

Fuck me.. perhaps I need to get back on the banana boat.  Is this a man that sounds like he's ended his current relationship?  Or does this sound like a man that perhaps has been caught out with his previous deception, is trying to buy time and keep a foothold in my life whilst trying to work things out with X?

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the whole purpose of breaking up meant to be about distancing yourself and not doing the things you did together as a couple?  Even if you are just friends, don't you need breathing space?  Especially if you're living together and need to divide assets and effectively go through the process of separation.

I sat there thinking to myself this is a whole lot of nonsensical bullshit.  That's putting it politely.

For starters, if you're ending a relationship to be with someone else, would you not think let me see if I can change the dates of these events to go with my current partner, go with a friend, go by myself, resell the event tickets or cancel?

Wouldn't any sane person think to themselves, even if I get on with X, how would this make my new partner feel?  If X knows I want to be with someone else and we're over then my current partner can phone me anytime, even if that means I have to go outside or sit in my car and take the call?  And.. if X knows it's over then I can see who I want, when I want and go ahead and make plans with the person I claim I want to be with?

Apparently not.. from what I gathered, it's all about X, how X feels, not to upset X.  Where's the thought and compassion for me?  Must be somewhere after the other priorities X, work, the car, the dry cleaning, etc etc.

I am rather bewildered why he even bothered to tell me a thing.  If someone could enlighten me, then please do because all I have to go by is his word that he's told her, but in the same breath, he's placed further terms and conditions on us?  Whilst continuing to carry out his plans and events with X.

Personally, if I was X I would think this man is talking out of his bum.  If we're meant to be over and he's met someone else, then how comes she doesn't call him?  Why is he taking me out at least twice a week with future plans for at least another month.  Nothing's changed, we're still the same.  He'll probably change his mind again in a week or two.

Like the game show Deal or No Deal. There is NO DEAL.
I asked him to not contact me, no phone calls, no emails, no texts while X is his priority - NOTHING.
While he's made all these plans with X and for reasons unbeknown to me is intent on carrying them out.  Shit man, if he was that worried about losing his money I would've reimbursed him.  But that's not the reason behind his actions..

The man has the audacity to expect me to be ok with all of this?
Sounds like a whole lot of nonsensical nonsense.

Nothing has changed.   Except added Terms and Conditions.  A bit like when you take out a credit card with 6.9% APR and then the terms change, before you know it the company's written you a letter, changed the agreement and you're now paying interest at 29.9% APR thinking how the hell did I end up on this tariff?!

Your thoughts?

Monday, 26 September 2011

That odd thing called LIFE

Hey World

Since I updated my last blog, a few things have happened in my life.

I started escorting again for about a week, before my mum had a stroke.  Which then turned things upside down.  Instead of having incalls and outcalls, I've been back and forth between the office job and the hospital.  Grabbing  few pockets of fun in between.

Fortunately my first two bookings were with previous clients.  One flew from Switzerland to come and see me instead of flying straight home to Germany.  I was actually worried that I may have lost my swagger.  After being out of the game for six months, I was somewhat apprehensive.  Luckily for me, I was met with a warm welcome on all bookings.  I forgot how good it feels to have the Queen's head and lots of it planted in the palm of my hand.  You guys enjoy your "head", whilst I enjoy the Monarch's head on crisp bank notes, without a doubt.

Then unexpectedly two weeks ago my mum had a stroke.  A blood clot on the left side of her brain.  Unable to walk, talk, move the right side of the body or do any of the basics.  It has been a sharp shock to the system. Considering my mum was completely independent and now she's totally dependent.  I've been to the hospital more times in the past three weeks than I have in a decade.  Recovery is happening, but it's slow.  People say to me to remain positive, but seeing her so far away from the person I know her to be just makes me wonder if she'll ever get back to that place again.  There are so many "what ifs".  It's not even like you can blame the situation and circumstances on a reckless act.  It is what it is.

It's also made me realise that life is for LIVING.  When something that tragic happens to someone so close, you appreciate how much we take things for granted.  How important it is to enjoy life and not live in the "shoulda woulda coulda" zone, waste my life in limbo or let opportunities of happiness pass me by for fear of the unknown.

So much of life is wasted on the proverbial "merry go round".  We walk around in our uncomfortable comfort zones, wanting change but not having the conviction to make it happen and secure our happiness.  Then we complain but wonder why we're unfulfilled.

What do you want in your future?
Your thoughts..

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Why I like to Keep it Real

Evening folks..

In my quest back to normality, I've decided to get out the house, reconnect with friends and get positive with lots of smiles and laughs.

Saturday through to Sunday I spent the day with a good friend.  We've known each other for the best part of 10 years so not a new friendship by any means.  First time I laughed and smiled in quite a while.  I got treated to a candlelit bath, wine, jokes, lots of hugs and a nice cooked brekkie.  If you're reading this T.. thanks hun, I really needed that more than you know.

Tonight, went out to a restaurant with another friend that I've known for 12 years.  I decided it was time to make an effort for me and put on some make up, get dressed up, even though it wasn't a special occasion.  It felt good to be told I looked stunning.  My self-esteem has taken a battering of late, so time to start loving and appreciating myself and making the most of what I have.  I hadn't realised how much my self-confidence had taken a good old bashing over the past few months.  I guess that's the effect of being with someone who rarely showed any appreciation for the effort I made.  I think I blushed a few times from all the compliments.  But I'm back out there now and I'm going to make the most of it.

During the evening, my friend decided to share with me that he wanted more than friendship.  In fact, a committed relationship, wanted to take me to the Caribbean and also would marry me if I accepted.  I sat there, lapping it all up, drinking my wine wondering if the curry and alcohol were playing havoc with my brain.  Ok, we had gone through this a few years ago and I had set him straight back then that the only thing we'd ever be was friends, nothing more, nothing less.

For a few seconds, the prospect of another holiday sounded good.  Four weeks in the Caribbean.. God damn.. hell yeah.. after all the crap I've been through of late.  That though.. is where those thoughts ended.
Awkward as it was, I had to reiterate that we would only ever be friends, there is never going to be anything more than that and I don't want him to have false hopes and expectations of anything more.  He looked gutted but not perturbed in his quest to convince me that we would be good together, he'd treat me like a Queen and give me everything/anything I want.  That I wouldn't know if I didn't try if things would/could work out between the two of us.

One value I've always lived by and always will is to keep it REAL.  It would have been easy to play along with his beliefs and hopes but how would I be a friend or anyone with integrity if I sat there lieing not only to him but more importantly to myself?!  To watch and experience someone fall in love with me when the feeling isn't mutual?  Or let them hope that things may turn out differently?  That to me is completely fucked up.

He wasn't giving up though.  He was trying to convince me.  Holding hope.  Even when I clearly stated I didn't feel the same way he felt and that out of respect, friendship, honesty and being truthful I wasn't planning on changing my mind.  I thought to myself, where's your pride, self-respect?  With recent experiences I know that if someone is telling me they don't feel the same way about me, I would rather deal with the rejection and poke my eyes out than try to talk my way into a relationship.  No way, no how.  Rejection is hard to take but a part of life.  Some people don't take it very well.

It's about treating people how you would want to be treated.  It's better I'm honest from the beginning than let something spiral out of control and watch someone be heart broken and suffer from my dishonesty.  What would I have to gain?  I don't need putting on a pedestal or an ego stroke (apart from the odd compliment from time to time.. LOL).

Personally I couldn't live with myself knowing I've caused someone unnecessary pain for my own selfish gain.  Whatever I gained would leave a bitter after taste.  Would the end justify the means?

Whether it's a friend, lover or client.  I'm keeping it real, being honest and true.  Forget the lies and deceit.  What you see is what you get.  No hidden agendas.

I'm back home now.  It felt good to be complimented and appreciated but I know when to draw the line.

Life is funny at times.  It throws you curveballs and crap.  No matter what happens I'll keep it real and keep it moving.  Although I've had my fair share of dishonest, untrue people of late, I can hold my head up high and know that I don't need to do the same thing to another.  What I've experienced, I'll deal with it and not do to another what was done to me.  I like to live good and treat others the way I want to be treated.  No need to hurt another to make myself feel good.  Discarding core values for desires is never a good thing.

Sometimes I wonder if my own experience of rejection and fear of it stops me from accepting something good that another has to offer me.  But I'm not about to test the waters with someone else's heart to find out, unless I'm sure it's someone I want to be with and make an effort to build a deep meaningful relationship with.

So here's me tonight after a nice meal, good company and full of smiles:

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Learning From My Recent Relationship Mistakes

Good Morning World

It's been a long time since I paid attention and posted to my personal blog space.  I seem to have taken my eye off a lot of things much to my own detriment.

A big part of me feels like I have made unnecessary mistakes over the past few months and caused my own hurt and pain.  For that I do feel somewhat stupid.  But.. I'm only human and there is the belief that it's only a stupid mistake if I don't learn from the experience before moving on.

Those of you who have been following my blogs will know I became involved with a guy I met through escorting.  I had not met anyone like him before and the more we spoke and saw each other, the more I was convinced he was a sweet, thoughtful, compassionate guy with an open mind and a good heart.  I believed that he became a punter because of his circumstances and lacked the confidence needed to make the necessary changes to his current lifestyle.  I thought he was searching in diaspora to make a real connection and was trying to find that special person through impersonal sexual liaisons. 

What I didn't mention was that he is attached.  In a current long-term relationship with someone else and has been for sixteen years.  I got swept up in it all, believing that the only reason he punted was because he was unhappy in his relationship, wasn't getting physical and emotional intimacy with his OH and this had led him to punting.

After the first booking, I became more intrigued and more involved.  What started off as a booking, then went onto dinner dates, meetings after work, a holiday away together and inevitably an affair.  I wasn't interested in his money and he only paid me the first time we met.  After that first time, I wasn't interested in escorting, I only saw one other person (the same day I met him).  I didn't have any bookings for two weeks and saw it as fate.  That perhaps I wasn't meant to see anyone else in addition to the fact that I had become completely uninterested in escorting and only wanted to see this man.

Within a month I had given up escorting (got a regular job) and he had given up punting.  It was my choice to give up escorting and camming, no pressure from him whatsoever.  My reasons were that I wasn't interested in being with anyone else and I wanted to give us a chance to see if there was anything more.  He had said to me that he wasn't interested in being with anyone else but me and he was keeping an open mind about us.  That being with me had caused him to think about if he wanted to be in his current relationship and that things needed to change.

As time progressed, although we had our disagreements, I felt special and thought there was potential for something more than an affair.  When he would share very personal thoughts and feelings with me, tell me that I filled a void in his heart, he had a real connection with me, that he was so grateful I had found him, chose to be in his life, changed my lifestyle and sacrificed a hell of a lot.  He was never one to be forthcoming with his thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Many a time he seemed to be emotionally detached, I interpreted his dual behaviour as a transitional period to discovering himself and finding in me what he had been searching for.

When I asked him how he felt about me, he was never sure.  I read into that as him feeling uncomfortable recognising and acknowledging his emotions, feelings and acting on them as he was used to being on emotional lock down.  I figured all that was needed was time, to be patient, let him figure it out for himself.

After five months there was no indication that he was trying to figure out what/who he wanted.  He seemed to be putting more thought into covering up the affair, finding ways not to be caught, thinking up new lies than making a decision about us.

With much deliberation and a heavy heart I explained that I couldn't wait indefinitely.  I would give him until December to make a decision.  He told me he still hadn't made a decision and didn't have a clue what/who he wanted.  I thought to myself five months is a long time to be as clueless as the day we met over what he's feeling and who he wants to be with.

It finally came to a head when he told me that he had booked a weekend away with his OH in October.  His reasons were to see if there was any "spark" left in his current relationship.  By making the decision to do that, he had already given me an answer.  It showed me that he knew he was going to be with his OH in two months time, with no intention of discussing anything.  He knew what he was doing with his OH in two months, yet he couldn't make a decision concerning us?

Even after this, he still couldn't find it in himself to tell me the truth.  Thinking about it, this didn't sit right with me, so I asked him to make a decision by the end of September.

He told me he was coming to London on Friday and I asked him to get a later train home after meeting me.  Albeit 90 minutes later.  The response was "Probably", followed by "I don't know what work will bring" and finally "I have to get up for 5am to be in London, so I may be knackered and no use to anyone but would very much like to spend an extra 90 minutes with you".  Not the response of a man that wants to be there.  More like I should put up, shut up and be grateful that he wants to spend any time with me.

Our phone call that evening involved him telling me that he felt pressurised and he felt he had to tread on "egg shells" to keep me happy.  I explained that I was fed up of being kept hanging, being offered the crumbs of his time, that if he didn't have work or anything planned to return to why would staying 90 minutes extra make a difference?  I was fed up of him blowing hot, cold, then tepid and I wasn't going to feel bad for asking something so trivial.  I was fed up of being slotted into his timetable like a work appointment.  His reply was that things like this that made him question whether there was any future between us.  To which I responded that it was apparent he had already made a decision from his response and future plans with his OH.

Finally.. he admitted he didn't feel the same about me, that he wasn't sure if there was a future with his OH but he didn't see one with me.  It took him five months to admit what he had probably known all along and what I had come to realise from his prior actions.  I was annoyed that he wasn't honest with me from the beginning.  I was never going to beg him to be with me or love me.  His honesty would have ended this sooner or even stopped things before they had begun.  I was/am still angry with myself for letting this man get close to me, open up to him and let him into my home and life.

There it ended.  Not the way I would have liked things to end at all.  I would have preferred to sit down and discuss it with him being honest and truthful in person.  Instead I had to goad it out of him.  I had always been honest, truthful and respectful towards him.  It seems it was too much to ask for the same in return.

It is all still a shock to me that things have ended this way, but I have accepted it.  I'm sad it has ended for many reasons; but at the same time feel relieved that I know the truth, I am no longer hanging with my life on hold.  The emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows has come to an end.  But I have to acknowledge my part in all of this.  The only reason he was able to keep me hanging and string me along with false hope is because I let him do it.  I put myself in a position where he was able to take advantage for his own agenda.  I chose to ignore the red flag warning signs from the beginning.  It's fair to say that I can't be responsible for his actions, but I can take accountability for mine.

So what have I learned from all of this?
(Below are my lessons, in no particular order, but nonetheless equally relevant)

1) I made the decision to be second best.  To play the role of the "Other Woman" by making the choice to get involved with this man.  By choosing to be in this situation I would never be a priority and would receive the crumbs of his affection with a slim chance of him choosing me over his OH.

2) I chose to ignore that he was always an emotionally unavailable man.
He was never going to be able to give me what I needed or what I was offering him.

3) I was betting on potential.
(i) The potential that once he had experienced what I thought was missing in his life i.e respect, trust, affection, friendship, companionship, truth, honesty, love and someone who genuinely wanted to be with him, would do anything for him then he would see what was missing from his life and choose me.
(ii) That he would be come emotionally available once he trusted me enough, let go of the fear of rejection and took the leap of faith.
(iii) That time and patience would make a difference to how he thought about us, open his mind up to the possibility of more than just being "comfortable" and being with someone for fear of being alone.
(iv) Because we spent more time together, we went away together and he was taking bigger risks that it was me he wanted.
(v) During our holiday a psychic lady told me to be patient, that we would be together and I needed not to worry as much, along with other things that she was correct about in my life that took me by surprise (I know this one seems ridiculous).

4) I made excuses for his emotional unavailability and unacceptable behaviour.
Lazy communication via emails mainly, occasional calls, putting it down to his introverted personality and him being more comfortable expressing himself via emails and IM.
His hot, tepid and cold displays of affection - by making excuses that he wasn't comfortable displaying or dealing with emotions due to unresolved issues in his past and present situation.

5) I gave up too much too soon and sacrificed far more than he was willing to give.
To prove to him how I felt for him in the hope that he would want me/us.
Drastic changes to my lifestyle for someone (giving up escorting, camming, getting a regular job, being committed to him) who wasn't giving me any commitment and never had an intention of doing that.

6) I allowed him to get comfortable with the status quo and by doing so further enabled him to continue his double life, cheating, being dishonest and keeping me hanging.
Through fear of pushing him away, losing him and questioning my patience in giving him time to make a decision.

7) I gave up my power.
By allowing myself to be kept hanging.  Turning a blind eye, accepting things on his terms.

8) I made my life centred around him.
By being available whenever he chose to see me.

9) I didn't accept him for what he was.  I got consumed in what I believed he could become.

10) I ignored my intuition and lowered my relationship standards.  

11) I fell into a "Florence Nightingale" rescuer mode.
I assumed he wanted help, rescuing from his current unhappy situation.  Not accepting that if he's still in his current situation after sixteen years it's because he WANTS to be there.

12) I trusted him too willingly.
Without him having to prove his trust and not considering he had his own selfish agenda.

13) I believed that if our future aspirations were the same and I showed him that, he would want me/us more.

14) I thought being open, trusting, vulnerable (him seeing my flaws), welcoming him into my life, him not running away and accepting that was a sign he wanted me/us.  Not considering that he was taking what was on offer because he could.

15) I believed that him giving up punting for me was a step towards becoming committed to me.
Truth and reality: It was great free sex from someone that loved him, wasn't seeing anyone else and he was making a saving.

16) I believed that because he wasn't married with kids that made him less emotionally unavailable.

17) I wrongly assumed that because he is in a relationship of sixteen years and the same job for sixteen years he didn't have commitment phobia. 

18) I thought I could be the exception to the rule instead of ACCEPTING the rules.

19) Subconsciously I believed that only someone that’s had to change from what I recognise as inappropriate or downright dangerous is capable of loving someone like me.

I've been reading a site called "Baggage Reclaim" and it has really made me look into myself and my own unhealthy behaviour.

20) The hardest truth to swallow:

It’s like you’ve gone to the Pity Shelter and said “You in all your broken down dysfunctional glory that I recognise as being someone lacking in character, are gonna love me. No person that likes and loves themselves is gonna want someone like you. You could try but it wouldn’t last. Now while we’re not the same, I’m a decent person that doesn’t like and love myself a lot – we could strike a deal and if you change, and love and validate me, which will help me realise my potential, I’ll make you into a good person.” - a link to baggage reclaim article relevant to my situation.

Those are the lessons I have learned.  
It's not that I believe he didn't care about me and I won't punish myself by trying to convince myself otherwise.  There were many times he showed that he cared for me but it was never going to be enough.  I will take away the good memories for the rest of my life and the lessons learned.

So whilst it hurts, I acknowledge the role I played in this situation.  I should have known better in hindsight.  But the important thing is going forward I take with me a learning experience and lesson that will empower me to make better choices going forward with my life and make me a better person.

Thanks for reading.  Do feel free to leave comments.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Acting on your instinct, being truthful with myself and the journey through life.

Morning World..

Its gone 4am and I've got to be up for work in less than 3 hours but I felt a blog entry coming on.
Firstly, I would like to thank everyone that left a comment on my last blog.  Sometimes when you're all consumed in your way of thinking, it's good to get another's perspective outside of the situation.

So an update on my situation:
Yesterday we met and had a talk.  I explained my doubts, feelings and how I'd moved from that feeling of sitting ontop of the world to feeling like I've fallen from a sky scraper and survived. Very low.

I listened to what he had to say.  His point was that he enjoyed spending time together, that he wanted to know me more but really wasn't sure how he felt about me.  The escort "friend" he's going to help out with the laptop is nothing more than that and he was willing to take my feelings on board and not go for either the laptop or the massage.

I should have felt great about it, but my inner self didn't feel it was enough.  The moment he decided to agree to going I knew he hadn't considered how I'd feel about that, which hurt because when you feel strongly about someone they're at the forefront on your mind.  In a way it's a blessing that his escort "friend" became an issue because had it not, I wouldn't have discovered the truth.

He also told me, that his lack of communication wasn't personal.  It's just the way he is.  It's not just to me, it's anyone.  He doesn't or feels he can't try to do that to see where things could go.  I realised that he's not ready to take a difficult step out of the comfort zone for which he has become accustomed.  Personally I understand that.  For years I was a very angry person.  I kept everything inside, never really expressed my feelings and locked people off.  Last year I decided to change that.  Sometimes you have to take a chance and open yourself up.  Let a person know how you feel, even if there's a risk of feeling awkward.  At least you both know where you stand and can make a decision on how to proceed "eyes wide open".

While I genuinely believe there was no intention of hurting me, if a person has trouble being honest with themselves, you can't expect them to be truthful to you.  If they're drifting in diaspora and they don't know what they want or how they feel, can you really afford to play the "waiting" game in the hope that the person you've got feelings for becomes emotionally available?

So I had to weigh it all up.  Do I continue seeing this man knowing that he doesn't feel the same about me, knowing he's unsure about whether it's me he's feeling for or the way I make him feel (2 different things entirely), hope he keeps an open mind and maybe one day can go the extra mile of opening up? 

Or do I look at the situation for what it is here and now?

I chose the second option.  Why?  

I can't be with someone hoping and waiting that maybe one day they'll care about me in the way I do for them.  It's a recipe for disaster.  Inevitable pain.  I've been there, done that on more than one occasion and each time it's not ended in a good way, its taken longer for me to get back on track to that happy place in my mind.  Each time it feels like another piece of my faith and hope in the search for happiness whithers away.  When it's all gone, you end up bitter, lonely and miserable.  That's a scary notion.

This is why as I've gotten older and had more experiences, I'm at that point where I choose to believe in my inner self.  If it doesn't feel right, to acknowledge all my feelings, whether happiness or doubts as they can be warning signs to where things are heading.  No point in living life like a broken record.  Ending up in the same dark place each time the situation comes along.  That's not progress.  I can't move on and grow if each time I'm tested with the same situation I fail the test in recognising and acting on the signs and patterns of where I went wrong the last time.

Good news is we agreed to still go on our trip.  The way I see it is life is too short.  Grab happiness and great experiences and move on.  People come into your life for all different reasons, join you on life's journey.  We're all on a road, sometimes our roads meet for a while but we're not heading to the same destination.  As much as you wish your roads lead to the same destination they don't.  They follow a similar route for a period of time and then veer off into other directions.

I do thank God that I recognised the signs early and was able to save myself from a potentially painful situation.  So although I feel hurt and disappointed that things didn't work out.  When you want it to work, sitting there thinking "almost".  I'm not in a state where I can't function because I invested all my feelings into something that wasn't going anywhere but still hurts.  I can brush myself off.  Bruised and tearful, but I'm not scraping myself off the ground.  I'm also not angry, not at him or more importantly at myself and that's a great place to be.

I love myself way too much to give myself to someone that I know isn't ready for me.  Someone who is emotionally unavailable.  I'm a very deep person, not many people get to see that side of me.  It actually was nice to express it and I am truly grateful to him for that.  But I'm not ready to give more, do more, open myself up even more if I'm not being met half way. It's a risk worth taking only if I know they feel the same about me.  

Two songs express just how extreme things could really get if you're not truthful with yourself in a situation where you're the one with the feelings, you stay even if you know you're more than likely to end up being hurt.  Bruno Mars "Grenade" and James Blunt "Goodbye My Lover". Not everyone can make a comeback from situations like that.  Depression, mental breakdown, emotional suicide and alot more.  You never make a full recovery.  You recover but are left with emotional scars.  Too many scars and one day you may not recover.  Each time is like opening up old wounds.  Like you feel the pain of the past and present.  Why risk it for someone who isn't ready to take risk it on you?

I'm really looking forward to this time away.  I'm gonna live life, love life, express myself fully, let my hair down, be vulnerable, step out of my comfort zone.  Then when I get back, it's back to reality and I'm back on track.

I took a chance, a risk, stepped out of my comfort zone.  It didn't work, I do feel gutted and I my mood is like a pendulum - sometimes I'm ok, other times not so good. I'll put it down to a life enriching experience and keep keeping on.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Can Dreams Provide A Warning of What Is Due to Come?

Hey Blogging World..
It's gone past 4am in the morning and I'm up.  Unable to sleep, troubled thoughts, so keeping it real, I'm gonna share what's going on in my head with you.
I haven't blogged lately.  Unsure why, writer's bloc, mind on other things, etc.  So here's a little update into my world.

Last month, I gave up being an escort.  I thought I'd met someone special and didn't want my escorting to get in the way of a potentially good thing.  Much to the dismay of clients who emailed, tweeted and phoned to wish me well.  I know there are lots of escorts that have successful relationships outside of their work but I know how my mind would be thinking as the other person.  Which is.. "If you're escorting, who am I actually with? Amil the escort or the real you?  How can you really say you're serious about me if you're screwing other people on a daily basis for cash?!"

I know for me that kind of thing would mess with my head big time and I really wouldn't want to inflict that on another.  I've always lived by the code of treating people how I want to be treated.  Failing that I either treat them how they're treating me or completely lock them off.

The person I thought was special was a client I'd had a booking with once and seen a few times after, but the chemistry was there and not just physically.  I thought hey great, he met me through escorting, so no need to hide that as I most likely would if I'd met a guy outside of this context. 

We'd met up several times, had fun, spent time together and it all seemed good.  Shit, we even made plans to go away together for a week.

So far so good right?  LOOL Wait, I ain't finished just yet.

We've had a few issues with communication.  I don't know about you, but I don't see it as "normal" behaviour to have 99% of your chats either via twitter or skype as opposed to talking on the phone.  At least not with someone you're intimate with!  Clearly some people do from what I'm discovering..

Wednesday night I had a dream, let me enlighten you.  It had me so baffled, I was googling for most of Thursday afternoon trying to find an explanation to this dream.  See most of the time I don't even remember what I'm dreaming about, but when you have a dream that feels more like a premonition or a vision, it makes you wonder if there's more to that dream than just random thoughts in your subconscious psyche.

So here's how my dream went...

This guy and I are sitting in an underground station waiting for a train.  I have my suitcase and rucksack with me.  We're sitting, waiting and having a heated discussion.  I'm asking him why he's being cold and distant towards me and if there's a problem he should speak up and let me know as I'm not a mind reader.  I'm annoyed because he hasn't been communicating with me, I've not heard much from him.  He says he's not happy at the speed in which our relationship is going, it's too fast.  He says he needs to think about things and needs some space.  I tell him if that's the case he should have just said that, I'm not into running him down and if he wants to go back to punting or end this to let me know and I'll walk away without a fuss as I'm not needy.

By this time I'm getting quite annoyed from the lack of response or emotion.  I'm sitting there thinking what a cold fucking bastard.  Is he human or a cold blooded reptile?!  I pick up something to throw at him out of sheer frustration, but as soon as I raise my hand I put it down again.  I'm thinking I don't do violence no matter how dysfunctional this "relationship" is.  

I say "Fuck this I've had enough" and go to move away.  He grabs my shoulders and shakes me saying "If you think you're walking away now after all this money I've spent on our trip you're fucking crazy, think again."  I'm shocked, I'm standing there on the platform thinking this is bizarre as he never talks to me in this aggressive manner and he must have a screw loose to really be holding me this way and infront of people in a public place.  I tell him to get his hands off me but he doesn't, so I shrug him off, kiss my teeth and tell him he must be fucking crazy to be handling me this way.  I'm trying to explain that despite the fact he's won the Cunt of the Year Award, I just need some space before the train arrives and I may be angry but I'm not about to throw a petty tantrum, so of course I'm going on the trip, as long as he pulls himself together and stop drawing attention to us in the station.

During all of these events, the people on the platform immediately infront keep looking back.  They seem to be hearing everything although I'm not shouting.  I lower my tone of voice almost to a whisper but it makes no difference.  It's like I have a tannoy under my mouth and our whole argument is being broadcast along the platform.

We sit back down.  For some reason on the seat beside me I have a pair of jeans, jeggings and a few tops out of my bag, a tiny rucksack, a handbag and a plastic bag in addition to my suitcase and black rucksack.  I'm sitting there thinking why have I got so much shit to carry?!  Where did this all come from?!

He's now kneeling down infront of me, facing me.  While I'm folding these clothes.  I'm not listening to a word he's saying.  It's all background noise now.  I'm keeping my mouth shut holding my tongue so as not to make a scene.

A man walks up behind him and licks the top of his head.  I'm sitting there thinking this is strange behaviour.  The man bends over and gives him an upside down kiss.  I'm shocked, but I watch wondering what his reaction will be.  I'm expecting him to push him away, maybe even give him a right hook.  After all, I'm under the impression he's "straight".  I never once had reason to believe he could be gay or bi-sexual.  Instead he proceeds to snog the face off this man.  Deep french kissing.  I'm not even sure if he knows the guy as no words were exchanged.

Passengers on the platform are disbursing.  All that are within looking distance stare on in disgust at the two of them snogging each other' faces off.  Most however are making a swift exit from the station.  The platform seems desolate.

I gather all my belongings and walk to the other end of the platform behind a column and start trying to shove all my clothes and bags into my black rucksack.  I'm trying to get everything into the rucksack so I only have my case and one bag to carry.  The intention is to make a swift exit before he stops kissing the guy and realises I'm gone.

I've almost stuffed everything in the bag, almost but not quite.  I'm feeling disgusted and betrayed, but all I really want to do is get the hell out of the station and remove myself from this freaky situation.  I have one or two items left to stuff into the rucksack and he comes over alone and asks me where I'm going.  

The dream ends and I wake up immediately, open both my eyes and sit up.  The feelings I had were as if I'd just lived this dream.  The raw emotions were all there.  I felt very disturbed.  The dream felt like a warning about something.

So I have to ask myself why I'm dreaming this kind of dream?  Considering I don't often have any recollection of my dreams, have never dreamt about him before and now such a vivid dream.

Funny, I woke up and posted a status that I'd had a bad dream and the first person to message me was him wishing me a good night.  How very random, odd and bizarre? 

The train never arrived.

That is my dream, make of it what you will..  I'm very interested to know your thoughts and opinions on that in context with this blog.

This week we barely spoke, although I did see him on Monday.  The whole communication thing came up again as I definitely felt like a cheap dirty whorebag.  After spending Monday being intimate with me, all I got was the odd tweet saying hi and bye throughout the week.  I thought we sorted it out yesterday, although I still wasn't feeling 100% satisfied, as empty apologies without a change in behaviour mean nothing to me.  It was more a case of building bridges and seeing what/if anything changes. 

I feel I should just state that I'm not needy or clingy.  I don't require phonecalls everyday.  Is it too much to speak to someone maybe twice a week on the phone as opposed to communication via text on a screen unless you see them in the flesh?  Bearing in mind this person lives 170 miles from me, albeit in the UK.

During the phone call yesterday morning I was informed that he was going to fix someone's PC later this week.  The destination struck a bell with me because it's where he'd been to punt (visit a prostitute/escort) at the end of March and has visited this prostitute twice.  Apparently they're just friends.  I let it ride.  I'm astute, one thing I don't do is say what I'm thinking immediately if I'm trying to get things clear in my mind.

Later that evening, obviously after I had time to think things over I thought I'd ask diplomatically about this trip.  What's going through my mind here is why would you visit a prostitute 120 miles from your home to fix her PC? LOL am I missing something here?  You punted, you fucked her and paid her on both occasions that you met.  Now you're travelling that distance to fix her PC for free with no additional perks?  Maybe I'm missing a beat here.. erm.. is it just me or is this just abnormal behaviour?

To add to that, he's planning to visit her for a "non-sexual" sea salt scrub body massage.  This is fucking hilarious.  Why would you visit a prostitute for a non-sexual massage when you can get one for a lot cheaper from a qualified person on professional premises?  Does this make any sense?

Someone wise once said to me "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it fucking well is a duck".

My mother didn't raise a fool, really she didn't.  My father always said "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King."  So I'm keeping my one eye open, keeping my mouth shut and observing as well as taking all the necessary precautions to guard my sexual health and mental sanity!

I think the man above is testing my tolerance for bullshit.
I also think my dream may very well have been a warning of things to come.

What do you think?

Feel free to make a comment on this blog while I exhale.