Why I like to Keep it Real

Evening folks..

In my quest back to normality, I've decided to get out the house, reconnect with friends and get positive with lots of smiles and laughs.

Saturday through to Sunday I spent the day with a good friend.  We've known each other for the best part of 10 years so not a new friendship by any means.  First time I laughed and smiled in quite a while.  I got treated to a candlelit bath, wine, jokes, lots of hugs and a nice cooked brekkie.  If you're reading this T.. thanks hun, I really needed that more than you know.

Tonight, went out to a restaurant with another friend that I've known for 12 years.  I decided it was time to make an effort for me and put on some make up, get dressed up, even though it wasn't a special occasion.  It felt good to be told I looked stunning.  My self-esteem has taken a battering of late, so time to start loving and appreciating myself and making the most of what I have.  I hadn't realised how much my self-confidence had taken a good old bashing over the past few months.  I guess that's the effect of being with someone who rarely showed any appreciation for the effort I made.  I think I blushed a few times from all the compliments.  But I'm back out there now and I'm going to make the most of it.

During the evening, my friend decided to share with me that he wanted more than friendship.  In fact, a committed relationship, wanted to take me to the Caribbean and also would marry me if I accepted.  I sat there, lapping it all up, drinking my wine wondering if the curry and alcohol were playing havoc with my brain.  Ok, we had gone through this a few years ago and I had set him straight back then that the only thing we'd ever be was friends, nothing more, nothing less.

For a few seconds, the prospect of another holiday sounded good.  Four weeks in the Caribbean.. God damn.. hell yeah.. after all the crap I've been through of late.  That though.. is where those thoughts ended.

Awkward as it was, I had to reiterate that we would only ever be friends, there is never going to be anything more than that and I don't want him to have false hopes and expectations of anything more.  He looked gutted but not perturbed in his quest to convince me that we would be good together, he'd treat me like a Queen and give me everything/anything I want.  That I wouldn't know if I didn't try if things would/could work out between the two of us.

One value I've always lived by and always will is to keep it REAL.  It would have been easy to play along with his beliefs and hopes but how would I be a friend or anyone with integrity if I sat there lieing not only to him but more importantly to myself?!  To watch and experience someone fall in love with me when the feeling isn't mutual?  Or let them hope that things may turn out differently?  That to me is completely fucked up.

He wasn't giving up though.  He was trying to convince me.  Holding hope.  Even when I clearly stated I didn't feel the same way he felt and that out of respect, friendship, honesty and being truthful I wasn't planning on changing my mind.  I thought to myself, where's your pride, self-respect?  With recent experiences I know that if someone is telling me they don't feel the same way about me, I would rather deal with the rejection and poke my eyes out than try to talk my way into a relationship.  No way, no how.  Rejection is hard to take but a part of life.  Some people don't take it very well.

It's about treating people how you would want to be treated.  It's better I'm honest from the beginning than let something spiral out of control and watch someone be heart broken and suffer from my dishonesty.  What would I have to gain?  I don't need putting on a pedestal or an ego stroke (apart from the odd compliment from time to time.. LOL).

Personally I couldn't live with myself knowing I've caused someone unnecessary pain for my own selfish gain.  Whatever I gained would leave a bitter after taste.  Would the end justify the means?

Whether it's a friend, lover or client.  I'm keeping it real, being honest and true.  Forget the lies and deceit.  What you see is what you get.  No hidden agendas.

I'm back home now.  It felt good to be complimented and appreciated but I know when to draw the line.

Life is funny at times.  It throws you curveballs and crap.  No matter what happens I'll keep it real and keep it moving.  Although I've had my fair share of dishonest, untrue people of late, I can hold my head up high and know that I don't need to do the same thing to another.  What I've experienced, I'll deal with it and not do to another what was done to me.  I like to live good and treat others the way I want to be treated.  No need to hurt another to make myself feel good.  Discarding core values for desires is never a good thing.

Sometimes I wonder if my own experience of rejection and fear of it stops me from accepting something good that another has to offer me.  But I'm not about to test the waters with someone else's heart to find out, unless I'm sure it's someone I want to be with and make an effort to build a deep meaningful relationship with.

So here's me tonight after a nice meal, good company and full of smiles:

Learning From My Recent Relationship Mistakes

Good Morning World

It's been a long time since I paid attention and posted to my personal blog space.  I seem to have taken my eye off a lot of things much to my own detriment.

A big part of me feels like I have made unnecessary mistakes over the past few months and caused my own hurt and pain.  For that I do feel somewhat stupid.  But.. I'm only human and there is the belief that it's only a stupid mistake if I don't learn from the experience before moving on.

Those of you who have been following my blogs will know I became involved with a guy I met through escorting.  I had not met anyone like him before and the more we spoke and saw each other, the more I was convinced he was a sweet, thoughtful, compassionate guy with an open mind and a good heart.  I believed that he became a punter because of his circumstances and lacked the confidence needed to make the necessary changes to his current lifestyle.  I thought he was searching in diaspora to make a real connection and was trying to find that special person through impersonal sexual liaisons. 

What I didn't mention was that he is attached.  In a current long-term relationship with someone else and has been for sixteen years.  I got swept up in it all, believing that the only reason he punted was because he was unhappy in his relationship, wasn't getting physical and emotional intimacy with his OH and this had led him to punting.

After the first booking, I became more intrigued and more involved.  What started off as a booking, then went onto dinner dates, meetings after work, a holiday away together and inevitably an affair.  I wasn't interested in his money and he only paid me the first time we met.  After that first time, I wasn't interested in escorting, I only saw one other person (the same day I met him).  I didn't have any bookings for two weeks and saw it as fate.  That perhaps I wasn't meant to see anyone else in addition to the fact that I had become completely uninterested in escorting and only wanted to see this man.

Within a month I had given up escorting (got a regular job) and he had given up punting.  It was my choice to give up escorting and camming, no pressure from him whatsoever.  My reasons were that I wasn't interested in being with anyone else and I wanted to give us a chance to see if there was anything more.  He had said to me that he wasn't interested in being with anyone else but me and he was keeping an open mind about us.  That being with me had caused him to think about if he wanted to be in his current relationship and that things needed to change.

As time progressed, although we had our disagreements, I felt special and thought there was potential for something more than an affair.  When he would share very personal thoughts and feelings with me, tell me that I filled a void in his heart, he had a real connection with me, that he was so grateful I had found him, chose to be in his life, changed my lifestyle and sacrificed a hell of a lot.  He was never one to be forthcoming with his thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Many a time he seemed to be emotionally detached, I interpreted his dual behaviour as a transitional period to discovering himself and finding in me what he had been searching for.

When I asked him how he felt about me, he was never sure.  I read into that as him feeling uncomfortable recognising and acknowledging his emotions, feelings and acting on them as he was used to being on emotional lock down.  I figured all that was needed was time, to be patient, let him figure it out for himself.

After five months there was no indication that he was trying to figure out what/who he wanted.  He seemed to be putting more thought into covering up the affair, finding ways not to be caught, thinking up new lies than making a decision about us.

With much deliberation and a heavy heart I explained that I couldn't wait indefinitely.  I would give him until December to make a decision.  He told me he still hadn't made a decision and didn't have a clue what/who he wanted.  I thought to myself five months is a long time to be as clueless as the day we met over what he's feeling and who he wants to be with.

It finally came to a head when he told me that he had booked a weekend away with his OH in October.  His reasons were to see if there was any "spark" left in his current relationship.  By making the decision to do that, he had already given me an answer.  It showed me that he knew he was going to be with his OH in two months time, with no intention of discussing anything.  He knew what he was doing with his OH in two months, yet he couldn't make a decision concerning us?

Even after this, he still couldn't find it in himself to tell me the truth.  Thinking about it, this didn't sit right with me, so I asked him to make a decision by the end of September.

He told me he was coming to London on Friday and I asked him to get a later train home after meeting me.  Albeit 90 minutes later.  The response was "Probably", followed by "I don't know what work will bring" and finally "I have to get up for 5am to be in London, so I may be knackered and no use to anyone but would very much like to spend an extra 90 minutes with you".  Not the response of a man that wants to be there.  More like I should put up, shut up and be grateful that he wants to spend any time with me.

Our phone call that evening involved him telling me that he felt pressurised and he felt he had to tread on "egg shells" to keep me happy.  I explained that I was fed up of being kept hanging, being offered the crumbs of his time, that if he didn't have work or anything planned to return to why would staying 90 minutes extra make a difference?  I was fed up of him blowing hot, cold, then tepid and I wasn't going to feel bad for asking something so trivial.  I was fed up of being slotted into his timetable like a work appointment.  His reply was that things like this that made him question whether there was any future between us.  To which I responded that it was apparent he had already made a decision from his response and future plans with his OH.

Finally.. he admitted he didn't feel the same about me, that he wasn't sure if there was a future with his OH but he didn't see one with me.  It took him five months to admit what he had probably known all along and what I had come to realise from his prior actions.  I was annoyed that he wasn't honest with me from the beginning.  I was never going to beg him to be with me or love me.  His honesty would have ended this sooner or even stopped things before they had begun.  I was/am still angry with myself for letting this man get close to me, open up to him and let him into my home and life.

There it ended.  Not the way I would have liked things to end at all.  I would have preferred to sit down and discuss it with him being honest and truthful in person.  Instead I had to goad it out of him.  I had always been honest, truthful and respectful towards him.  It seems it was too much to ask for the same in return.

It is all still a shock to me that things have ended this way, but I have accepted it.  I'm sad it has ended for many reasons; but at the same time feel relieved that I know the truth, I am no longer hanging with my life on hold.  The emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows has come to an end.  But I have to acknowledge my part in all of this.  The only reason he was able to keep me hanging and string me along with false hope is because I let him do it.  I put myself in a position where he was able to take advantage for his own agenda.  I chose to ignore the red flag warning signs from the beginning.  It's fair to say that I can't be responsible for his actions, but I can take accountability for mine.

So what have I learned from all of this?

(Below are my lessons, in no particular order, but nonetheless equally relevant)

1) I made the decision to be second best.  To play the role of the "Other Woman" by making the choice to get involved with this man.  By choosing to be in this situation I would never be a priority and would receive the crumbs of his affection with a slim chance of him choosing me over his OH.

2) I chose to ignore that he was always an emotionally unavailable man.

He was never going to be able to give me what I needed or what I was offering him.

3) I was betting on potential.

(i) The potential that once he had experienced what I thought was missing in his life i.e respect, trust, affection, friendship, companionship, truth, honesty, love and someone who genuinely wanted to be with him, would do anything for him then he would see what was missing from his life and choose me.

(ii) That he would be come emotionally available once he trusted me enough, let go of the fear of rejection and took the leap of faith.

(iii) That time and patience would make a difference to how he thought about us, open his mind up to the possibility of more than just being "comfortable" and being with someone for fear of being alone.

(iv) Because we spent more time together, we went away together and he was taking bigger risks that it was me he wanted.

(v) During our holiday a psychic lady told me to be patient, that we would be together and I needed not to worry as much, along with other things that she was correct about in my life that took me by surprise (I know this one seems ridiculous).

4) I made excuses for his emotional unavailability and unacceptable behaviour.

Lazy communication via emails mainly, occasional calls, putting it down to his introverted personality and him being more comfortable expressing himself via emails and IM.

His hot, tepid and cold displays of affection - by making excuses that he wasn't comfortable displaying or dealing with emotions due to unresolved issues in his past and present situation.

5) I gave up too much too soon and sacrificed far more than he was willing to give.

To prove to him how I felt for him in the hope that he would want me/us.

Drastic changes to my lifestyle for someone (giving up escorting, camming, getting a regular job, being committed to him) who wasn't giving me any commitment and never had an intention of doing that.

6) I allowed him to get comfortable with the status quo and by doing so further enabled him to continue his double life, cheating, being dishonest and keeping me hanging.

Through fear of pushing him away, losing him and questioning my patience in giving him time to make a decision.

7) I gave up my power.

By allowing myself to be kept hanging.  Turning a blind eye, accepting things on his terms.

8) I made my life centred around him.

By being available whenever he chose to see me.

9) I didn't accept him for what he was.  I got consumed in what I believed he could become.

10) I ignored my intuition and lowered my relationship standards.  

11) I fell into a "Florence Nightingale" rescuer mode.

I assumed he wanted help, rescuing from his current unhappy situation.  Not accepting that if he's still in his current situation after sixteen years it's because he WANTS to be there.

12) I trusted him too willingly.

Without him having to prove his trust and not considering he had his own selfish agenda.

13) I believed that if our future aspirations were the same and I showed him that, he would want me/us more.

14) I thought being open, trusting, vulnerable (him seeing my flaws), welcoming him into my life, him not running away and accepting that was a sign he wanted me/us.  Not considering that he was taking what was on offer because he could.

15) I believed that him giving up punting for me was a step towards becoming committed to me.

Truth and reality: It was great free sex from someone that loved him, wasn't seeing anyone else and he was making a saving.

16) I believed that because he wasn't married with kids that made him less emotionally unavailable.

17) I wrongly assumed that because he is in a relationship of sixteen years and the same job for sixteen years he didn't have commitment phobia. 

18) I thought I could be the exception to the rule instead of ACCEPTING the rules.

19) Subconsciously I believed that only someone that’s had to change from what I recognise as inappropriate or downright dangerous is capable of loving someone like me.

I've been reading a site called "Baggage Reclaim" and it has really made me look into myself and my own unhealthy behaviour.

20) The hardest truth to swallow:

It’s like you’ve gone to the Pity Shelter and said “You in all your broken down dysfunctional glory that I recognise as being someone lacking in character, are gonna love me. No person that likes and loves themselves is gonna want someone like you. You could try but it wouldn’t last. Now while we’re not the same, I’m a decent person that doesn’t like and love myself a lot – we could strike a deal and if you change, and love and validate me, which will help me realise my potential, I’ll make you into a good person.”

http://ht.ly/1eqetm - a link to baggage reclaim article relevant to my situation.

Those are the lessons I have learned.  

It's not that I believe he didn't care about me and I won't punish myself by trying to convince myself otherwise.  There were many times he showed that he cared for me but it was never going to be enough.  I will take away the good memories for the rest of my life and the lessons learned.

So whilst it hurts, I acknowledge the role I played in this situation.  I should have known better in hindsight.  But the important thing is going forward I take with me a learning experience and lesson that will empower me to make better choices going forward with my life and make me a better person.

Thanks for reading.  Do feel free to leave comments.