Wednesday 11 May 2011

Acting on your instinct, being truthful with myself and the journey through life.

Morning World..

Its gone 4am and I've got to be up for work in less than 3 hours but I felt a blog entry coming on.
Firstly, I would like to thank everyone that left a comment on my last blog.  Sometimes when you're all consumed in your way of thinking, it's good to get another's perspective outside of the situation.

So an update on my situation:
Yesterday we met and had a talk.  I explained my doubts, feelings and how I'd moved from that feeling of sitting ontop of the world to feeling like I've fallen from a sky scraper and survived. Very low.

I listened to what he had to say.  His point was that he enjoyed spending time together, that he wanted to know me more but really wasn't sure how he felt about me.  The escort "friend" he's going to help out with the laptop is nothing more than that and he was willing to take my feelings on board and not go for either the laptop or the massage.

I should have felt great about it, but my inner self didn't feel it was enough.  The moment he decided to agree to going I knew he hadn't considered how I'd feel about that, which hurt because when you feel strongly about someone they're at the forefront on your mind.  In a way it's a blessing that his escort "friend" became an issue because had it not, I wouldn't have discovered the truth.

He also told me, that his lack of communication wasn't personal.  It's just the way he is.  It's not just to me, it's anyone.  He doesn't or feels he can't try to do that to see where things could go.  I realised that he's not ready to take a difficult step out of the comfort zone for which he has become accustomed.  Personally I understand that.  For years I was a very angry person.  I kept everything inside, never really expressed my feelings and locked people off.  Last year I decided to change that.  Sometimes you have to take a chance and open yourself up.  Let a person know how you feel, even if there's a risk of feeling awkward.  At least you both know where you stand and can make a decision on how to proceed "eyes wide open".

While I genuinely believe there was no intention of hurting me, if a person has trouble being honest with themselves, you can't expect them to be truthful to you.  If they're drifting in diaspora and they don't know what they want or how they feel, can you really afford to play the "waiting" game in the hope that the person you've got feelings for becomes emotionally available?

So I had to weigh it all up.  Do I continue seeing this man knowing that he doesn't feel the same about me, knowing he's unsure about whether it's me he's feeling for or the way I make him feel (2 different things entirely), hope he keeps an open mind and maybe one day can go the extra mile of opening up? 

Or do I look at the situation for what it is here and now?

I chose the second option.  Why?  

I can't be with someone hoping and waiting that maybe one day they'll care about me in the way I do for them.  It's a recipe for disaster.  Inevitable pain.  I've been there, done that on more than one occasion and each time it's not ended in a good way, its taken longer for me to get back on track to that happy place in my mind.  Each time it feels like another piece of my faith and hope in the search for happiness whithers away.  When it's all gone, you end up bitter, lonely and miserable.  That's a scary notion.

This is why as I've gotten older and had more experiences, I'm at that point where I choose to believe in my inner self.  If it doesn't feel right, to acknowledge all my feelings, whether happiness or doubts as they can be warning signs to where things are heading.  No point in living life like a broken record.  Ending up in the same dark place each time the situation comes along.  That's not progress.  I can't move on and grow if each time I'm tested with the same situation I fail the test in recognising and acting on the signs and patterns of where I went wrong the last time.

Good news is we agreed to still go on our trip.  The way I see it is life is too short.  Grab happiness and great experiences and move on.  People come into your life for all different reasons, join you on life's journey.  We're all on a road, sometimes our roads meet for a while but we're not heading to the same destination.  As much as you wish your roads lead to the same destination they don't.  They follow a similar route for a period of time and then veer off into other directions.

I do thank God that I recognised the signs early and was able to save myself from a potentially painful situation.  So although I feel hurt and disappointed that things didn't work out.  When you want it to work, sitting there thinking "almost".  I'm not in a state where I can't function because I invested all my feelings into something that wasn't going anywhere but still hurts.  I can brush myself off.  Bruised and tearful, but I'm not scraping myself off the ground.  I'm also not angry, not at him or more importantly at myself and that's a great place to be.

I love myself way too much to give myself to someone that I know isn't ready for me.  Someone who is emotionally unavailable.  I'm a very deep person, not many people get to see that side of me.  It actually was nice to express it and I am truly grateful to him for that.  But I'm not ready to give more, do more, open myself up even more if I'm not being met half way. It's a risk worth taking only if I know they feel the same about me.  

Two songs express just how extreme things could really get if you're not truthful with yourself in a situation where you're the one with the feelings, you stay even if you know you're more than likely to end up being hurt.  Bruno Mars "Grenade" and James Blunt "Goodbye My Lover". Not everyone can make a comeback from situations like that.  Depression, mental breakdown, emotional suicide and alot more.  You never make a full recovery.  You recover but are left with emotional scars.  Too many scars and one day you may not recover.  Each time is like opening up old wounds.  Like you feel the pain of the past and present.  Why risk it for someone who isn't ready to take risk it on you?

I'm really looking forward to this time away.  I'm gonna live life, love life, express myself fully, let my hair down, be vulnerable, step out of my comfort zone.  Then when I get back, it's back to reality and I'm back on track.

I took a chance, a risk, stepped out of my comfort zone.  It didn't work, I do feel gutted and I my mood is like a pendulum - sometimes I'm ok, other times not so good. I'll put it down to a life enriching experience and keep keeping on.



1 comment:

  1. First of all *hugs*. While you feel you made an unnecessary mistake, you did set a decision date, and you brought it forward in response to the weekend away. I wish I could analyse my relationship mistakes so soon after like you - it might prevent me making further ones the way I have. You end on a very positive note too - I wish you all the best for the future.

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