My Core Boundaries - what is completely unacceptable to me in a relationship

In my quest for self-improvement and enlightenment, given my past relationship experiences I thought it was high time I sat down and established my core boundaries for any potential future partner I have a committed relationship with.  I realised that in order to successfully move forward I need to understand and recognise the unhealthy relationship habits and mistakes of the past so I can change them and evolve into a better me.

Ever get fed up of being on the relationship roundabout, going round and round, fleeting highs and lows of the emotional roller coaster? Feeling like you have this nagging feeling that all is not well, feeling happy on the surface, but underneath it all, there's underlying sadness, frustration, anger and diaspora.  Wondering why the source of your pleasure also seems to be the source of your pain?

Getting mad at the situation, but never really figuring out what the root cause of it all is?  Focusing all your time and energy on the effect of the next big thing as opposed to what it is that really is making you unhappy?

Doing the same thing and expecting a different result?  But wondering where the fuck you went wrong?

Today I got home from work and decided to do some homework on myself.  I realised that my past relationship patterns have been seriously unhealthy due to a lack of core boundaries.  Well I had them, but I never enforced them.  This led to me feeling frustrated, confused, saddened, and my self-esteem taking a battering.

I wrote down a list of core boundaries so I could see in black and white what I find to be completely unacceptable, then started the task of looking at past relationships, what occurred and how many boundaries I had allowed to be broken.  It came as a shock.  A real sharp, shock to the system.  Virtually all my past relationships involved the majority of my boundaries being broken.  Is it any wonder why I've felt like shit when the core values I hold true to myself have been trampled on?  Now I'm not saying that I hold the other parties completely to blame here, because a person can only do what you allow them to get away with.

However, in hindsight, had I taken heed of my core boundaries and assessed the state of my relationships on these core values, I would have been in a better position to put a stop to unacceptable behaviour or opt out sooner and realise the relationships I've been engaging in, for the majority of my adult life have been unhealthy.

So after careful consideration, these are MY core boundaries, things that I find completely unacceptable in any relationship and what I will assess any potential future partner against.

A list of the major No-No's:

1. Must not be attached - Married/Girlfriend/Separated/Lurking Ex GF's
2. Must not be verbally/physically/emotionally abusive
3. No booty calls/casual relationships/Friends with Benefits
4. No commitment dodging - must be clear he wants a relationship.  No flip-flapping, leaving me unsure, wondering if we have a relationship or not.  Making me feel I'm losing my mind in the relationship.
5. Must not blow hot and cold
6. Must not have addictions - drugs/alcohol/gambling/sex
7. Must not rely on me financially
8. Must not treat me as an option - I need to be a priority in his life
9. Must not be emotionally detached - lacking in empathy.  Needs to have the ability to consider my feelings and the impact of his actions and words on me
10. Must not expect me to exclude those nearest and dearest to me and be jealous of the time and love I have for them (and I'm not talking about other lovers)
11. Must not be dishonest/lie/cheat/steal
12. Must not be all talk and no action - MESSING with my head/future faker/future avoider to get what he needs from me in the present.  The actions and the words must be in sync
13. Must not be a lazy communicator - the bulk of our communication can not be via text/email/IM
14. Must not enter and disappear from my life with little or no explanation and expect to press the "reset" button and pick up where we left off.  I call that convenient relationship amnesia
15. Must not expect me to accept random ridiculous situations that cause me to devalue myself, treat me with disrespect, erode my self-esteem and break my trust.  The relationship cannot be based on this dynamic
16. Must not expect everything in the relationship to be on their terms - I AM AN EQUAL CO-PILOT in this relationship
17. Must not be jealous, controlling or manipulative
18. Must not be narcissistic, egotistical, chauvinistic
19. Must not expect me to do all the pursuing, organising, loving, giving, while he takes what is on offer and doesn't contribute equally
20. Must not be selfish sexually
21. Must not keep me a secret from family and friends
22. Must not be evasive about inviting me to his home after a period of time.  It isn't acceptable to only be visiting my house, or hotels, etc

I began analysing past relationships, experiences and so far I've looked at four relationships.  I was shocked to find that of the four I evaluated at least 15 of my 22 boundaries had been broken.

With this is mind, is it any wonder I've felt like a hamster on a wheel.  Going round in circles.  Wondering why I've felt so bad.  Giving my all and left wondering what on earth I could have done to make things work.  If my boundaries are being breached, no amount of loving, willing, waiting, hoping, giving, trying, etc is going to make it work.  All that's happening is my self-esteem is taking a bruising and I'm effectively contributing to my own abuse.

Now I have my boundaries written out in black and white.  They're on a list.  Think I'll stick them on the wall.  I will compare the actions and behaviour of the person to the core boundaries and use the core boundaries as a benchmark to assess whether or not it is wise to emotionally invest myself into a situation.  If a relationship isn't working and the person returns, if the core boundaries I've listed are occurring, then they have to be resolved or going back to the relationship won't make things better.  We'll be repeating the same pattern over and over again.

So folks, have you thought about your boundaries?
If you have them, what are they?
And by sticking firmly to your boundaries have you found that you have been more successful in relationships?