Why I like to Keep it Real

Evening folks..

In my quest back to normality, I've decided to get out the house, reconnect with friends and get positive with lots of smiles and laughs.

Saturday through to Sunday I spent the day with a good friend.  We've known each other for the best part of 10 years so not a new friendship by any means.  First time I laughed and smiled in quite a while.  I got treated to a candlelit bath, wine, jokes, lots of hugs and a nice cooked brekkie.  If you're reading this T.. thanks hun, I really needed that more than you know.

Tonight, went out to a restaurant with another friend that I've known for 12 years.  I decided it was time to make an effort for me and put on some make up, get dressed up, even though it wasn't a special occasion.  It felt good to be told I looked stunning.  My self-esteem has taken a battering of late, so time to start loving and appreciating myself and making the most of what I have.  I hadn't realised how much my self-confidence had taken a good old bashing over the past few months.  I guess that's the effect of being with someone who rarely showed any appreciation for the effort I made.  I think I blushed a few times from all the compliments.  But I'm back out there now and I'm going to make the most of it.

During the evening, my friend decided to share with me that he wanted more than friendship.  In fact, a committed relationship, wanted to take me to the Caribbean and also would marry me if I accepted.  I sat there, lapping it all up, drinking my wine wondering if the curry and alcohol were playing havoc with my brain.  Ok, we had gone through this a few years ago and I had set him straight back then that the only thing we'd ever be was friends, nothing more, nothing less.

For a few seconds, the prospect of another holiday sounded good.  Four weeks in the Caribbean.. God damn.. hell yeah.. after all the crap I've been through of late.  That though.. is where those thoughts ended.

Awkward as it was, I had to reiterate that we would only ever be friends, there is never going to be anything more than that and I don't want him to have false hopes and expectations of anything more.  He looked gutted but not perturbed in his quest to convince me that we would be good together, he'd treat me like a Queen and give me everything/anything I want.  That I wouldn't know if I didn't try if things would/could work out between the two of us.

One value I've always lived by and always will is to keep it REAL.  It would have been easy to play along with his beliefs and hopes but how would I be a friend or anyone with integrity if I sat there lieing not only to him but more importantly to myself?!  To watch and experience someone fall in love with me when the feeling isn't mutual?  Or let them hope that things may turn out differently?  That to me is completely fucked up.

He wasn't giving up though.  He was trying to convince me.  Holding hope.  Even when I clearly stated I didn't feel the same way he felt and that out of respect, friendship, honesty and being truthful I wasn't planning on changing my mind.  I thought to myself, where's your pride, self-respect?  With recent experiences I know that if someone is telling me they don't feel the same way about me, I would rather deal with the rejection and poke my eyes out than try to talk my way into a relationship.  No way, no how.  Rejection is hard to take but a part of life.  Some people don't take it very well.

It's about treating people how you would want to be treated.  It's better I'm honest from the beginning than let something spiral out of control and watch someone be heart broken and suffer from my dishonesty.  What would I have to gain?  I don't need putting on a pedestal or an ego stroke (apart from the odd compliment from time to time.. LOL).

Personally I couldn't live with myself knowing I've caused someone unnecessary pain for my own selfish gain.  Whatever I gained would leave a bitter after taste.  Would the end justify the means?

Whether it's a friend, lover or client.  I'm keeping it real, being honest and true.  Forget the lies and deceit.  What you see is what you get.  No hidden agendas.

I'm back home now.  It felt good to be complimented and appreciated but I know when to draw the line.

Life is funny at times.  It throws you curveballs and crap.  No matter what happens I'll keep it real and keep it moving.  Although I've had my fair share of dishonest, untrue people of late, I can hold my head up high and know that I don't need to do the same thing to another.  What I've experienced, I'll deal with it and not do to another what was done to me.  I like to live good and treat others the way I want to be treated.  No need to hurt another to make myself feel good.  Discarding core values for desires is never a good thing.

Sometimes I wonder if my own experience of rejection and fear of it stops me from accepting something good that another has to offer me.  But I'm not about to test the waters with someone else's heart to find out, unless I'm sure it's someone I want to be with and make an effort to build a deep meaningful relationship with.

So here's me tonight after a nice meal, good company and full of smiles: