My Core Boundaries - what is completely unacceptable to me in a relationship

In my quest for self-improvement and enlightenment, given my past relationship experiences I thought it was high time I sat down and established my core boundaries for any potential future partner I have a committed relationship with.  I realised that in order to successfully move forward I need to understand and recognise the unhealthy relationship habits and mistakes of the past so I can change them and evolve into a better me.

Ever get fed up of being on the relationship roundabout, going round and round, fleeting highs and lows of the emotional roller coaster? Feeling like you have this nagging feeling that all is not well, feeling happy on the surface, but underneath it all, there's underlying sadness, frustration, anger and diaspora.  Wondering why the source of your pleasure also seems to be the source of your pain?

Getting mad at the situation, but never really figuring out what the root cause of it all is?  Focusing all your time and energy on the effect of the next big thing as opposed to what it is that really is making you unhappy?

Doing the same thing and expecting a different result?  But wondering where the fuck you went wrong?

Today I got home from work and decided to do some homework on myself.  I realised that my past relationship patterns have been seriously unhealthy due to a lack of core boundaries.  Well I had them, but I never enforced them.  This led to me feeling frustrated, confused, saddened, and my self-esteem taking a battering.

I wrote down a list of core boundaries so I could see in black and white what I find to be completely unacceptable, then started the task of looking at past relationships, what occurred and how many boundaries I had allowed to be broken.  It came as a shock.  A real sharp, shock to the system.  Virtually all my past relationships involved the majority of my boundaries being broken.  Is it any wonder why I've felt like shit when the core values I hold true to myself have been trampled on?  Now I'm not saying that I hold the other parties completely to blame here, because a person can only do what you allow them to get away with.

However, in hindsight, had I taken heed of my core boundaries and assessed the state of my relationships on these core values, I would have been in a better position to put a stop to unacceptable behaviour or opt out sooner and realise the relationships I've been engaging in, for the majority of my adult life have been unhealthy.

So after careful consideration, these are MY core boundaries, things that I find completely unacceptable in any relationship and what I will assess any potential future partner against.

A list of the major No-No's:

1. Must not be attached - Married/Girlfriend/Separated/Lurking Ex GF's
2. Must not be verbally/physically/emotionally abusive
3. No booty calls/casual relationships/Friends with Benefits
4. No commitment dodging - must be clear he wants a relationship.  No flip-flapping, leaving me unsure, wondering if we have a relationship or not.  Making me feel I'm losing my mind in the relationship.
5. Must not blow hot and cold
6. Must not have addictions - drugs/alcohol/gambling/sex
7. Must not rely on me financially
8. Must not treat me as an option - I need to be a priority in his life
9. Must not be emotionally detached - lacking in empathy.  Needs to have the ability to consider my feelings and the impact of his actions and words on me
10. Must not expect me to exclude those nearest and dearest to me and be jealous of the time and love I have for them (and I'm not talking about other lovers)
11. Must not be dishonest/lie/cheat/steal
12. Must not be all talk and no action - MESSING with my head/future faker/future avoider to get what he needs from me in the present.  The actions and the words must be in sync
13. Must not be a lazy communicator - the bulk of our communication can not be via text/email/IM
14. Must not enter and disappear from my life with little or no explanation and expect to press the "reset" button and pick up where we left off.  I call that convenient relationship amnesia
15. Must not expect me to accept random ridiculous situations that cause me to devalue myself, treat me with disrespect, erode my self-esteem and break my trust.  The relationship cannot be based on this dynamic
16. Must not expect everything in the relationship to be on their terms - I AM AN EQUAL CO-PILOT in this relationship
17. Must not be jealous, controlling or manipulative
18. Must not be narcissistic, egotistical, chauvinistic
19. Must not expect me to do all the pursuing, organising, loving, giving, while he takes what is on offer and doesn't contribute equally
20. Must not be selfish sexually
21. Must not keep me a secret from family and friends
22. Must not be evasive about inviting me to his home after a period of time.  It isn't acceptable to only be visiting my house, or hotels, etc

I began analysing past relationships, experiences and so far I've looked at four relationships.  I was shocked to find that of the four I evaluated at least 15 of my 22 boundaries had been broken.

With this is mind, is it any wonder I've felt like a hamster on a wheel.  Going round in circles.  Wondering why I've felt so bad.  Giving my all and left wondering what on earth I could have done to make things work.  If my boundaries are being breached, no amount of loving, willing, waiting, hoping, giving, trying, etc is going to make it work.  All that's happening is my self-esteem is taking a bruising and I'm effectively contributing to my own abuse.

Now I have my boundaries written out in black and white.  They're on a list.  Think I'll stick them on the wall.  I will compare the actions and behaviour of the person to the core boundaries and use the core boundaries as a benchmark to assess whether or not it is wise to emotionally invest myself into a situation.  If a relationship isn't working and the person returns, if the core boundaries I've listed are occurring, then they have to be resolved or going back to the relationship won't make things better.  We'll be repeating the same pattern over and over again.

So folks, have you thought about your boundaries?
If you have them, what are they?
And by sticking firmly to your boundaries have you found that you have been more successful in relationships?

Nonsensical nonsense and a whole lot of bull shit.. I've heard it all!!

Evening folks

Sitting in my bedroom on a Saturday afternoon, drinking a few glasses of red wine.

Still haven't gotten around to going for my pedicure and nails, maybe later (but not too much later).

Good news is my mum is improving, slowly but surely.  Now onto soft solid foods and starting physiotherapy in relearning how to walk again.  I can now make out a few words, but the majority of it still comes out in babble.  Its been over four weeks since she's been at the hospital and there's been no news as to when she may be discharged.  Although when she is, if her condition remains the same, life will be completely different for her and the family.  Trying to maintain hope and optimism but realising that it's a long slow recovery process.

Trying to get my life back on track hasn't been easy.  It feels like I'm so far away from the carefree Amil earlier this year.  I know I need to get back to the gym, get back to camming, sort out my routine for LIFE in general.  Not so easy to pick up where I left off, but have to succeed, some how, some way.

This week, I thought I received amazing news.  The guy I had previously been seeing finally grew some "balls" and ended his current relationship.  Oh my God, great news.. or so I thought.. but with so many things and people there's always a catch.

Here's the catch.. let's call his OH "X"

Although the relationship has ended and X who apparently agrees that they are both in a comfortable "rut" and knows he wants to be with someone else:

I'm not permitted to phone him at anytime other than during the working week at lunch time.  Otherwise he'll call me.  No evenings or weekends as he's conscious that X may hear him talking to me and it may cause X to become upset or distressed.

He is still going on dates with X to the theatre, shows, parties, etc because apparently these were booked six months in advance and they will be going as friends.  There are about ten events that run through until at least mid November.

He can't plan any overnights or weekends away with me any time soon because he's concerned about how X will take it.

He can only see me fortnightly because he may have to put his car into the garage, his dry cleaning and maybe see surveyors for the house on the weekend.

Oh and the other day we met for an appointment he had, I travelled over three hours to give him support (apparently he's been going through highs and lows what with "breaking up") and also because its been several weeks since I've seen him.. He conveniently forgot to tell me he was going out with X on a pre-booked evening out so after the appointment we had perhaps an hour to chat before he had to head off for this date.

Fuck me.. perhaps I need to get back on the banana boat.  Is this a man that sounds like he's ended his current relationship?  Or does this sound like a man that perhaps has been caught out with his previous deception, is trying to buy time and keep a foothold in my life whilst trying to work things out with X?

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the whole purpose of breaking up meant to be about distancing yourself and not doing the things you did together as a couple?  Even if you are just friends, don't you need breathing space?  Especially if you're living together and need to divide assets and effectively go through the process of separation.

I sat there thinking to myself this is a whole lot of nonsensical bullshit.  That's putting it politely.

For starters, if you're ending a relationship to be with someone else, would you not think let me see if I can change the dates of these events to go with my current partner, go with a friend, go by myself, resell the event tickets or cancel?

Wouldn't any sane person think to themselves, even if I get on with X, how would this make my new partner feel?  If X knows I want to be with someone else and we're over then my current partner can phone me anytime, even if that means I have to go outside or sit in my car and take the call?  And.. if X knows it's over then I can see who I want, when I want and go ahead and make plans with the person I claim I want to be with?

Apparently not.. from what I gathered, it's all about X, how X feels, not to upset X.  Where's the thought and compassion for me?  Must be somewhere after the other priorities X, work, the car, the dry cleaning, etc etc.

I am rather bewildered why he even bothered to tell me a thing.  If someone could enlighten me, then please do because all I have to go by is his word that he's told her, but in the same breath, he's placed further terms and conditions on us?  Whilst continuing to carry out his plans and events with X.

Personally, if I was X I would think this man is talking out of his bum.  If we're meant to be over and he's met someone else, then how comes she doesn't call him?  Why is he taking me out at least twice a week with future plans for at least another month.  Nothing's changed, we're still the same.  He'll probably change his mind again in a week or two.

Like the game show Deal or No Deal. There is NO DEAL.

I asked him to not contact me, no phone calls, no emails, no texts while X is his priority - NOTHING.

While he's made all these plans with X and for reasons unbeknown to me is intent on carrying them out.  Shit man, if he was that worried about losing his money I would've reimbursed him.  But that's not the reason behind his actions..

The man has the audacity to expect me to be ok with all of this?

Sounds like a whole lot of nonsensical nonsense.

Nothing has changed.   Except added Terms and Conditions.  A bit like when you take out a credit card with 6.9% APR and then the terms change, before you know it the company's written you a letter, changed the agreement and you're now paying interest at 29.9% APR thinking how the hell did I end up on this tariff?!

Your thoughts?