Acting on your instinct, being truthful with myself and the journey through life.

Morning World..

Its gone 4am and I've got to be up for work in less than 3 hours but I felt a blog entry coming on.

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone that left a comment on my last blog.  Sometimes when you're all consumed in your way of thinking, it's good to get another's perspective outside of the situation.

So an update on my situation:

Yesterday we met and had a talk.  I explained my doubts, feelings and how I'd moved from that feeling of sitting ontop of the world to feeling like I've fallen from a sky scraper and survived. Very low.

I listened to what he had to say.  His point was that he enjoyed spending time together, that he wanted to know me more but really wasn't sure how he felt about me.  The escort "friend" he's going to help out with the laptop is nothing more than that and he was willing to take my feelings on board and not go for either the laptop or the massage.

I should have felt great about it, but my inner self didn't feel it was enough.  The moment he decided to agree to going I knew he hadn't considered how I'd feel about that, which hurt because when you feel strongly about someone they're at the forefront on your mind.  In a way it's a blessing that his escort "friend" became an issue because had it not, I wouldn't have discovered the truth.

He also told me, that his lack of communication wasn't personal.  It's just the way he is.  It's not just to me, it's anyone.  He doesn't or feels he can't try to do that to see where things could go.  I realised that he's not ready to take a difficult step out of the comfort zone for which he has become accustomed.  Personally I understand that.  For years I was a very angry person.  I kept everything inside, never really expressed my feelings and locked people off.  Last year I decided to change that.  Sometimes you have to take a chance and open yourself up.  Let a person know how you feel, even if there's a risk of feeling awkward.  At least you both know where you stand and can make a decision on how to proceed "eyes wide open".

While I genuinely believe there was no intention of hurting me, if a person has trouble being honest with themselves, you can't expect them to be truthful to you.  If they're drifting in diaspora and they don't know what they want or how they feel, can you really afford to play the "waiting" game in the hope that the person you've got feelings for becomes emotionally available?

So I had to weigh it all up.  Do I continue seeing this man knowing that he doesn't feel the same about me, knowing he's unsure about whether it's me he's feeling for or the way I make him feel (2 different things entirely), hope he keeps an open mind and maybe one day can go the extra mile of opening up? 

Or do I look at the situation for what it is here and now?

I chose the second option.  Why?  

I can't be with someone hoping and waiting that maybe one day they'll care about me in the way I do for them.  It's a recipe for disaster.  Inevitable pain.  I've been there, done that on more than one occasion and each time it's not ended in a good way, its taken longer for me to get back on track to that happy place in my mind.  Each time it feels like another piece of my faith and hope in the search for happiness whithers away.  When it's all gone, you end up bitter, lonely and miserable.  That's a scary notion.

This is why as I've gotten older and had more experiences, I'm at that point where I choose to believe in my inner self.  If it doesn't feel right, to acknowledge all my feelings, whether happiness or doubts as they can be warning signs to where things are heading.  No point in living life like a broken record.  Ending up in the same dark place each time the situation comes along.  That's not progress.  I can't move on and grow if each time I'm tested with the same situation I fail the test in recognising and acting on the signs and patterns of where I went wrong the last time.

Good news is we agreed to still go on our trip.  The way I see it is life is too short.  Grab happiness and great experiences and move on.  People come into your life for all different reasons, join you on life's journey.  We're all on a road, sometimes our roads meet for a while but we're not heading to the same destination.  As much as you wish your roads lead to the same destination they don't.  They follow a similar route for a period of time and then veer off into other directions.

I do thank God that I recognised the signs early and was able to save myself from a potentially painful situation.  So although I feel hurt and disappointed that things didn't work out.  When you want it to work, sitting there thinking "almost".  I'm not in a state where I can't function because I invested all my feelings into something that wasn't going anywhere but still hurts.  I can brush myself off.  Bruised and tearful, but I'm not scraping myself off the ground.  I'm also not angry, not at him or more importantly at myself and that's a great place to be.

I love myself way too much to give myself to someone that I know isn't ready for me.  Someone who is emotionally unavailable.  I'm a very deep person, not many people get to see that side of me.  It actually was nice to express it and I am truly grateful to him for that.  But I'm not ready to give more, do more, open myself up even more if I'm not being met half way. It's a risk worth taking only if I know they feel the same about me.  

Two songs express just how extreme things could really get if you're not truthful with yourself in a situation where you're the one with the feelings, you stay even if you know you're more than likely to end up being hurt.  Bruno Mars "Grenade" and James Blunt "Goodbye My Lover". Not everyone can make a comeback from situations like that.  Depression, mental breakdown, emotional suicide and alot more.  You never make a full recovery.  You recover but are left with emotional scars.  Too many scars and one day you may not recover.  Each time is like opening up old wounds.  Like you feel the pain of the past and present.  Why risk it for someone who isn't ready to take risk it on you?

I'm really looking forward to this time away.  I'm gonna live life, love life, express myself fully, let my hair down, be vulnerable, step out of my comfort zone.  Then when I get back, it's back to reality and I'm back on track.

I took a chance, a risk, stepped out of my comfort zone.  It didn't work, I do feel gutted and I my mood is like a pendulum - sometimes I'm ok, other times not so good. I'll put it down to a life enriching experience and keep keeping on.

Can Dreams Provide A Warning of What Is Due to Come?

Hey Blogging World..

It's gone past 4am in the morning and I'm up.  Unable to sleep, troubled thoughts, so keeping it real, I'm gonna share what's going on in my head with you.

I haven't blogged lately.  Unsure why, writer's bloc, mind on other things, etc.  So here's a little update into my world.

Last month, I gave up being an escort.  I thought I'd met someone special and didn't want my escorting to get in the way of a potentially good thing.  Much to the dismay of clients who emailed, tweeted and phoned to wish me well.  I know there are lots of escorts that have successful relationships outside of their work but I know how my mind would be thinking as the other person.  Which is.. "If you're escorting, who am I actually with? Amil the escort or the real you?  How can you really say you're serious about me if you're screwing other people on a daily basis for cash?!"

I know for me that kind of thing would mess with my head big time and I really wouldn't want to inflict that on another.  I've always lived by the code of treating people how I want to be treated.  Failing that I either treat them how they're treating me or completely lock them off.

The person I thought was special was a client I'd had a booking with once and seen a few times after, but the chemistry was there and not just physically.  I thought hey great, he met me through escorting, so no need to hide that as I most likely would if I'd met a guy outside of this context. 

We'd met up several times, had fun, spent time together and it all seemed good.  Shit, we even made plans to go away together for a week.

So far so good right?  LOOL Wait, I ain't finished just yet.

We've had a few issues with communication.  I don't know about you, but I don't see it as "normal" behaviour to have 99% of your chats either via twitter or skype as opposed to talking on the phone.  At least not with someone you're intimate with!  Clearly some people do from what I'm discovering..

Wednesday night I had a dream, let me enlighten you.  It had me so baffled, I was googling for most of Thursday afternoon trying to find an explanation to this dream.  See most of the time I don't even remember what I'm dreaming about, but when you have a dream that feels more like a premonition or a vision, it makes you wonder if there's more to that dream than just random thoughts in your subconscious psyche.

So here's how my dream went...

This guy and I are sitting in an underground station waiting for a train.  I have my suitcase and rucksack with me.  We're sitting, waiting and having a heated discussion.  I'm asking him why he's being cold and distant towards me and if there's a problem he should speak up and let me know as I'm not a mind reader.  I'm annoyed because he hasn't been communicating with me, I've not heard much from him.  He says he's not happy at the speed in which our relationship is going, it's too fast.  He says he needs to think about things and needs some space.  I tell him if that's the case he should have just said that, I'm not into running him down and if he wants to go back to punting or end this to let me know and I'll walk away without a fuss as I'm not needy.

By this time I'm getting quite annoyed from the lack of response or emotion.  I'm sitting there thinking what a cold fucking bastard.  Is he human or a cold blooded reptile?!  I pick up something to throw at him out of sheer frustration, but as soon as I raise my hand I put it down again.  I'm thinking I don't do violence no matter how dysfunctional this "relationship" is.  

I say "Fuck this I've had enough" and go to move away.  He grabs my shoulders and shakes me saying "If you think you're walking away now after all this money I've spent on our trip you're fucking crazy, think again."  I'm shocked, I'm standing there on the platform thinking this is bizarre as he never talks to me in this aggressive manner and he must have a screw loose to really be holding me this way and infront of people in a public place.  I tell him to get his hands off me but he doesn't, so I shrug him off, kiss my teeth and tell him he must be fucking crazy to be handling me this way.  I'm trying to explain that despite the fact he's won the Cunt of the Year Award, I just need some space before the train arrives and I may be angry but I'm not about to throw a petty tantrum, so of course I'm going on the trip, as long as he pulls himself together and stop drawing attention to us in the station.

During all of these events, the people on the platform immediately infront keep looking back.  They seem to be hearing everything although I'm not shouting.  I lower my tone of voice almost to a whisper but it makes no difference.  It's like I have a tannoy under my mouth and our whole argument is being broadcast along the platform.

We sit back down.  For some reason on the seat beside me I have a pair of jeans, jeggings and a few tops out of my bag, a tiny rucksack, a handbag and a plastic bag in addition to my suitcase and black rucksack.  I'm sitting there thinking why have I got so much shit to carry?!  Where did this all come from?!

He's now kneeling down infront of me, facing me.  While I'm folding these clothes.  I'm not listening to a word he's saying.  It's all background noise now.  I'm keeping my mouth shut holding my tongue so as not to make a scene.

A man walks up behind him and licks the top of his head.  I'm sitting there thinking this is strange behaviour.  The man bends over and gives him an upside down kiss.  I'm shocked, but I watch wondering what his reaction will be.  I'm expecting him to push him away, maybe even give him a right hook.  After all, I'm under the impression he's "straight".  I never once had reason to believe he could be gay or bi-sexual.  Instead he proceeds to snog the face off this man.  Deep french kissing.  I'm not even sure if he knows the guy as no words were exchanged.


Passengers on the platform are disbursing.  All that are within looking distance stare on in disgust at the two of them snogging each other' faces off.  Most however are making a swift exit from the station.  The platform seems desolate.

I gather all my belongings and walk to the other end of the platform behind a column and start trying to shove all my clothes and bags into my black rucksack.  I'm trying to get everything into the rucksack so I only have my case and one bag to carry.  The intention is to make a swift exit before he stops kissing the guy and realises I'm gone.

I've almost stuffed everything in the bag, almost but not quite.  I'm feeling disgusted and betrayed, but all I really want to do is get the hell out of the station and remove myself from this freaky situation.  I have one or two items left to stuff into the rucksack and he comes over alone and asks me where I'm going.  

The dream ends and I wake up immediately, open both my eyes and sit up.  The feelings I had were as if I'd just lived this dream.  The raw emotions were all there.  I felt very disturbed.  The dream felt like a warning about something.

So I have to ask myself why I'm dreaming this kind of dream?  Considering I don't often have any recollection of my dreams, have never dreamt about him before and now such a vivid dream.

Funny, I woke up and posted a status that I'd had a bad dream and the first person to message me was him wishing me a good night.  How very random, odd and bizarre? 


The train never arrived.

That is my dream, make of it what you will..  I'm very interested to know your thoughts and opinions on that in context with this blog.

This week we barely spoke, although I did see him on Monday.  The whole communication thing came up again as I definitely felt like a cheap dirty whorebag.  After spending Monday being intimate with me, all I got was the odd tweet saying hi and bye throughout the week.  I thought we sorted it out yesterday, although I still wasn't feeling 100% satisfied, as empty apologies without a change in behaviour mean nothing to me.  It was more a case of building bridges and seeing what/if anything changes. 


I feel I should just state that I'm not needy or clingy.  I don't require phonecalls everyday.  Is it too much to speak to someone maybe twice a week on the phone as opposed to communication via text on a screen unless you see them in the flesh?  Bearing in mind this person lives 170 miles from me, albeit in the UK.

During the phone call yesterday morning I was informed that he was going to fix someone's PC later this week.  The destination struck a bell with me because it's where he'd been to punt (visit a prostitute/escort) at the end of March and has visited this prostitute twice.  Apparently they're just friends.  I let it ride.  I'm astute, one thing I don't do is say what I'm thinking immediately if I'm trying to get things clear in my mind.

Later that evening, obviously after I had time to think things over I thought I'd ask diplomatically about this trip.  What's going through my mind here is why would you visit a prostitute 120 miles from your home to fix her PC? LOL am I missing something here?  You punted, you fucked her and paid her on both occasions that you met.  Now you're travelling that distance to fix her PC for free with no additional perks?  Maybe I'm missing a beat here.. erm.. is it just me or is this just abnormal behaviour?

To add to that, he's planning to visit her for a "non-sexual" sea salt scrub body massage.  This is fucking hilarious.  Why would you visit a prostitute for a non-sexual massage when you can get one for a lot cheaper from a qualified person on professional premises?  Does this make any sense?

Someone wise once said to me "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it fucking well is a duck".

My mother didn't raise a fool, really she didn't.  My father always said "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King."  So I'm keeping my one eye open, keeping my mouth shut and observing as well as taking all the necessary precautions to guard my sexual health and mental sanity!

I think the man above is testing my tolerance for bullshit.

I also think my dream may very well have been a warning of things to come.

What do you think?

Feel free to make a comment on this blog while I exhale.