Acting on your instinct, being truthful with myself and the journey through life.

Morning World..

Its gone 4am and I've got to be up for work in less than 3 hours but I felt a blog entry coming on.

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone that left a comment on my last blog.  Sometimes when you're all consumed in your way of thinking, it's good to get another's perspective outside of the situation.

So an update on my situation:

Yesterday we met and had a talk.  I explained my doubts, feelings and how I'd moved from that feeling of sitting ontop of the world to feeling like I've fallen from a sky scraper and survived. Very low.

I listened to what he had to say.  His point was that he enjoyed spending time together, that he wanted to know me more but really wasn't sure how he felt about me.  The escort "friend" he's going to help out with the laptop is nothing more than that and he was willing to take my feelings on board and not go for either the laptop or the massage.

I should have felt great about it, but my inner self didn't feel it was enough.  The moment he decided to agree to going I knew he hadn't considered how I'd feel about that, which hurt because when you feel strongly about someone they're at the forefront on your mind.  In a way it's a blessing that his escort "friend" became an issue because had it not, I wouldn't have discovered the truth.

He also told me, that his lack of communication wasn't personal.  It's just the way he is.  It's not just to me, it's anyone.  He doesn't or feels he can't try to do that to see where things could go.  I realised that he's not ready to take a difficult step out of the comfort zone for which he has become accustomed.  Personally I understand that.  For years I was a very angry person.  I kept everything inside, never really expressed my feelings and locked people off.  Last year I decided to change that.  Sometimes you have to take a chance and open yourself up.  Let a person know how you feel, even if there's a risk of feeling awkward.  At least you both know where you stand and can make a decision on how to proceed "eyes wide open".

While I genuinely believe there was no intention of hurting me, if a person has trouble being honest with themselves, you can't expect them to be truthful to you.  If they're drifting in diaspora and they don't know what they want or how they feel, can you really afford to play the "waiting" game in the hope that the person you've got feelings for becomes emotionally available?

So I had to weigh it all up.  Do I continue seeing this man knowing that he doesn't feel the same about me, knowing he's unsure about whether it's me he's feeling for or the way I make him feel (2 different things entirely), hope he keeps an open mind and maybe one day can go the extra mile of opening up? 

Or do I look at the situation for what it is here and now?

I chose the second option.  Why?  

I can't be with someone hoping and waiting that maybe one day they'll care about me in the way I do for them.  It's a recipe for disaster.  Inevitable pain.  I've been there, done that on more than one occasion and each time it's not ended in a good way, its taken longer for me to get back on track to that happy place in my mind.  Each time it feels like another piece of my faith and hope in the search for happiness whithers away.  When it's all gone, you end up bitter, lonely and miserable.  That's a scary notion.

This is why as I've gotten older and had more experiences, I'm at that point where I choose to believe in my inner self.  If it doesn't feel right, to acknowledge all my feelings, whether happiness or doubts as they can be warning signs to where things are heading.  No point in living life like a broken record.  Ending up in the same dark place each time the situation comes along.  That's not progress.  I can't move on and grow if each time I'm tested with the same situation I fail the test in recognising and acting on the signs and patterns of where I went wrong the last time.

Good news is we agreed to still go on our trip.  The way I see it is life is too short.  Grab happiness and great experiences and move on.  People come into your life for all different reasons, join you on life's journey.  We're all on a road, sometimes our roads meet for a while but we're not heading to the same destination.  As much as you wish your roads lead to the same destination they don't.  They follow a similar route for a period of time and then veer off into other directions.

I do thank God that I recognised the signs early and was able to save myself from a potentially painful situation.  So although I feel hurt and disappointed that things didn't work out.  When you want it to work, sitting there thinking "almost".  I'm not in a state where I can't function because I invested all my feelings into something that wasn't going anywhere but still hurts.  I can brush myself off.  Bruised and tearful, but I'm not scraping myself off the ground.  I'm also not angry, not at him or more importantly at myself and that's a great place to be.

I love myself way too much to give myself to someone that I know isn't ready for me.  Someone who is emotionally unavailable.  I'm a very deep person, not many people get to see that side of me.  It actually was nice to express it and I am truly grateful to him for that.  But I'm not ready to give more, do more, open myself up even more if I'm not being met half way. It's a risk worth taking only if I know they feel the same about me.  

Two songs express just how extreme things could really get if you're not truthful with yourself in a situation where you're the one with the feelings, you stay even if you know you're more than likely to end up being hurt.  Bruno Mars "Grenade" and James Blunt "Goodbye My Lover". Not everyone can make a comeback from situations like that.  Depression, mental breakdown, emotional suicide and alot more.  You never make a full recovery.  You recover but are left with emotional scars.  Too many scars and one day you may not recover.  Each time is like opening up old wounds.  Like you feel the pain of the past and present.  Why risk it for someone who isn't ready to take risk it on you?

I'm really looking forward to this time away.  I'm gonna live life, love life, express myself fully, let my hair down, be vulnerable, step out of my comfort zone.  Then when I get back, it's back to reality and I'm back on track.

I took a chance, a risk, stepped out of my comfort zone.  It didn't work, I do feel gutted and I my mood is like a pendulum - sometimes I'm ok, other times not so good. I'll put it down to a life enriching experience and keep keeping on.

Can Dreams Provide A Warning of What Is Due to Come?

Hey Blogging World..

It's gone past 4am in the morning and I'm up.  Unable to sleep, troubled thoughts, so keeping it real, I'm gonna share what's going on in my head with you.

I haven't blogged lately.  Unsure why, writer's bloc, mind on other things, etc.  So here's a little update into my world.

Last month, I gave up being an escort.  I thought I'd met someone special and didn't want my escorting to get in the way of a potentially good thing.  Much to the dismay of clients who emailed, tweeted and phoned to wish me well.  I know there are lots of escorts that have successful relationships outside of their work but I know how my mind would be thinking as the other person.  Which is.. "If you're escorting, who am I actually with? Amil the escort or the real you?  How can you really say you're serious about me if you're screwing other people on a daily basis for cash?!"

I know for me that kind of thing would mess with my head big time and I really wouldn't want to inflict that on another.  I've always lived by the code of treating people how I want to be treated.  Failing that I either treat them how they're treating me or completely lock them off.

The person I thought was special was a client I'd had a booking with once and seen a few times after, but the chemistry was there and not just physically.  I thought hey great, he met me through escorting, so no need to hide that as I most likely would if I'd met a guy outside of this context. 

We'd met up several times, had fun, spent time together and it all seemed good.  Shit, we even made plans to go away together for a week.

So far so good right?  LOOL Wait, I ain't finished just yet.

We've had a few issues with communication.  I don't know about you, but I don't see it as "normal" behaviour to have 99% of your chats either via twitter or skype as opposed to talking on the phone.  At least not with someone you're intimate with!  Clearly some people do from what I'm discovering..

Wednesday night I had a dream, let me enlighten you.  It had me so baffled, I was googling for most of Thursday afternoon trying to find an explanation to this dream.  See most of the time I don't even remember what I'm dreaming about, but when you have a dream that feels more like a premonition or a vision, it makes you wonder if there's more to that dream than just random thoughts in your subconscious psyche.

So here's how my dream went...

This guy and I are sitting in an underground station waiting for a train.  I have my suitcase and rucksack with me.  We're sitting, waiting and having a heated discussion.  I'm asking him why he's being cold and distant towards me and if there's a problem he should speak up and let me know as I'm not a mind reader.  I'm annoyed because he hasn't been communicating with me, I've not heard much from him.  He says he's not happy at the speed in which our relationship is going, it's too fast.  He says he needs to think about things and needs some space.  I tell him if that's the case he should have just said that, I'm not into running him down and if he wants to go back to punting or end this to let me know and I'll walk away without a fuss as I'm not needy.

By this time I'm getting quite annoyed from the lack of response or emotion.  I'm sitting there thinking what a cold fucking bastard.  Is he human or a cold blooded reptile?!  I pick up something to throw at him out of sheer frustration, but as soon as I raise my hand I put it down again.  I'm thinking I don't do violence no matter how dysfunctional this "relationship" is.  

I say "Fuck this I've had enough" and go to move away.  He grabs my shoulders and shakes me saying "If you think you're walking away now after all this money I've spent on our trip you're fucking crazy, think again."  I'm shocked, I'm standing there on the platform thinking this is bizarre as he never talks to me in this aggressive manner and he must have a screw loose to really be holding me this way and infront of people in a public place.  I tell him to get his hands off me but he doesn't, so I shrug him off, kiss my teeth and tell him he must be fucking crazy to be handling me this way.  I'm trying to explain that despite the fact he's won the Cunt of the Year Award, I just need some space before the train arrives and I may be angry but I'm not about to throw a petty tantrum, so of course I'm going on the trip, as long as he pulls himself together and stop drawing attention to us in the station.

During all of these events, the people on the platform immediately infront keep looking back.  They seem to be hearing everything although I'm not shouting.  I lower my tone of voice almost to a whisper but it makes no difference.  It's like I have a tannoy under my mouth and our whole argument is being broadcast along the platform.

We sit back down.  For some reason on the seat beside me I have a pair of jeans, jeggings and a few tops out of my bag, a tiny rucksack, a handbag and a plastic bag in addition to my suitcase and black rucksack.  I'm sitting there thinking why have I got so much shit to carry?!  Where did this all come from?!

He's now kneeling down infront of me, facing me.  While I'm folding these clothes.  I'm not listening to a word he's saying.  It's all background noise now.  I'm keeping my mouth shut holding my tongue so as not to make a scene.

A man walks up behind him and licks the top of his head.  I'm sitting there thinking this is strange behaviour.  The man bends over and gives him an upside down kiss.  I'm shocked, but I watch wondering what his reaction will be.  I'm expecting him to push him away, maybe even give him a right hook.  After all, I'm under the impression he's "straight".  I never once had reason to believe he could be gay or bi-sexual.  Instead he proceeds to snog the face off this man.  Deep french kissing.  I'm not even sure if he knows the guy as no words were exchanged.


Passengers on the platform are disbursing.  All that are within looking distance stare on in disgust at the two of them snogging each other' faces off.  Most however are making a swift exit from the station.  The platform seems desolate.

I gather all my belongings and walk to the other end of the platform behind a column and start trying to shove all my clothes and bags into my black rucksack.  I'm trying to get everything into the rucksack so I only have my case and one bag to carry.  The intention is to make a swift exit before he stops kissing the guy and realises I'm gone.

I've almost stuffed everything in the bag, almost but not quite.  I'm feeling disgusted and betrayed, but all I really want to do is get the hell out of the station and remove myself from this freaky situation.  I have one or two items left to stuff into the rucksack and he comes over alone and asks me where I'm going.  

The dream ends and I wake up immediately, open both my eyes and sit up.  The feelings I had were as if I'd just lived this dream.  The raw emotions were all there.  I felt very disturbed.  The dream felt like a warning about something.

So I have to ask myself why I'm dreaming this kind of dream?  Considering I don't often have any recollection of my dreams, have never dreamt about him before and now such a vivid dream.

Funny, I woke up and posted a status that I'd had a bad dream and the first person to message me was him wishing me a good night.  How very random, odd and bizarre? 


The train never arrived.

That is my dream, make of it what you will..  I'm very interested to know your thoughts and opinions on that in context with this blog.

This week we barely spoke, although I did see him on Monday.  The whole communication thing came up again as I definitely felt like a cheap dirty whorebag.  After spending Monday being intimate with me, all I got was the odd tweet saying hi and bye throughout the week.  I thought we sorted it out yesterday, although I still wasn't feeling 100% satisfied, as empty apologies without a change in behaviour mean nothing to me.  It was more a case of building bridges and seeing what/if anything changes. 


I feel I should just state that I'm not needy or clingy.  I don't require phonecalls everyday.  Is it too much to speak to someone maybe twice a week on the phone as opposed to communication via text on a screen unless you see them in the flesh?  Bearing in mind this person lives 170 miles from me, albeit in the UK.

During the phone call yesterday morning I was informed that he was going to fix someone's PC later this week.  The destination struck a bell with me because it's where he'd been to punt (visit a prostitute/escort) at the end of March and has visited this prostitute twice.  Apparently they're just friends.  I let it ride.  I'm astute, one thing I don't do is say what I'm thinking immediately if I'm trying to get things clear in my mind.

Later that evening, obviously after I had time to think things over I thought I'd ask diplomatically about this trip.  What's going through my mind here is why would you visit a prostitute 120 miles from your home to fix her PC? LOL am I missing something here?  You punted, you fucked her and paid her on both occasions that you met.  Now you're travelling that distance to fix her PC for free with no additional perks?  Maybe I'm missing a beat here.. erm.. is it just me or is this just abnormal behaviour?

To add to that, he's planning to visit her for a "non-sexual" sea salt scrub body massage.  This is fucking hilarious.  Why would you visit a prostitute for a non-sexual massage when you can get one for a lot cheaper from a qualified person on professional premises?  Does this make any sense?

Someone wise once said to me "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it fucking well is a duck".

My mother didn't raise a fool, really she didn't.  My father always said "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King."  So I'm keeping my one eye open, keeping my mouth shut and observing as well as taking all the necessary precautions to guard my sexual health and mental sanity!

I think the man above is testing my tolerance for bullshit.

I also think my dream may very well have been a warning of things to come.

What do you think?

Feel free to make a comment on this blog while I exhale.

Neighbours from hell

Hey Blogger..loggers..

I'm getting used to my new nails now.  Feels funny typing as they're alot shorter than what I've become accustomed to.  But I'm now donning a set of red nails with intricate designs and my toes a midnight blue with equally magnificent art work courtesy of my Chinese friends.


Those of you who've been keeping up-to-date with my blogs have read about my neighbour upstairs and her wilder beast of a kid.  Day in day out this child runs all over the house, jumps up and down and it seems only a matter of time before the lot of them fall through my ceiling!

It's 21:42 as I type and her child is still running around the house.  Now call me a prude but whatever happened to real parenting?  Interacting with the child, giving the child constructive things to keep it pre-occupied and having an established bedtime routine?  Surely this is child neglect.  What business does a 2 year old have being up past 8pm unless they've woken up for a drink?  Am I living underneath the spawn of Satan? 


If it's not the child running up and down, I hear the mother screaming all manner of obscenities to the wilder beast or its older sibling!  Earlier today I was sitting in the living room listening to my neighbour talk to the latest edition (the wilder beast) and I could easily have been forgiven for thinking she was mistakenly talking to an unruly pet dog she was currently training.  The mother that chose to have the child that wasn't inflicted on her.  The mother that doesn't have to go to work or hold down a job and can take naps in the afternoon when the sprog does.  No sympathy or compassion here.

God help me.  I'm living below what the Americans would class as "Trailer Trash".  It beggars belief why she even had this child as she's not even with the father and he'd moved out before she even had the kid.


The noise got so bad last week that I wrote my neighbour a letter.  I tried to keep it civilised and polite but when you're suffering from sleep deprivation and your sleep pattern is governed mainly by the movements of a 2 year old it's not an easy task.  I've spoken to my neighbour on more than one occasion and her response was "There's nothing I can do about it".  Bullshit!!  You're telling me your two year old sprog rules the roost?  Get a grip bitch and consider doing the right thing by getting your tubes tied.  That there would be tax payers money well spent!

I have my doubts about my neighbour's mental state of mind.  Having a few conversations with her I'm more than convinced that there's something not quite right about her.  I'm trying my best not to put in a written complaint about the noise nuisance to both my Landlord and the Council but she's not making it easy.


I'm completely fed up and just want to move to another property.  one that's completely detached with no neighbours above or below me.  I'm sick of this shit.

I'm generally very glad most of the time to have an incall away from my flat.  It gives me an opportunity to get away from the noise and have a good night's sleep even if I have to sacrifice the creature comforts of my home and sleep in a bed that's not my own.  A few hours fucking someone I wouldn't look twice at on an ordinary day is a very small price to pay.  Thank you punters!!

That song.. "Peace perfect peace.. is a gift of Christ our Lord.." comes to mind.  Except I'm still waiting for my gift, think I got overlooked.

That's my rant today!


*over and out*

Orgasmic Sessions, Abysmal Transport & Women's Stuff..

Hi there.. me again.. nah you're not getting rid of me that easily.. LOL


Yesterday I was laying on the couch having a lazy Saturday, chit chatting away on twitter and the phone.

I received an unexpected booking from a gent that I've been speaking to for a while.  He's always intrigued me, we seem to chat for hours on twitter with a few emails back and forth.  Strange I know, seeing as it's not like instant messenger.  However, I knew that if we were to ever meet, it would definitely be one to remember.


I got ready, made my way to Earls Court, with about 4 interchanges (public transport over the weekend is a joke, I'll get back to that later).  I was rushed off my feet literally.  When he arrived, I hadn't had time to put any makeup on, I was wearing a pair of porno stilettos and a G-string when I greeted him at the door LOL.  Not exactly how I planned it, but hey sometimes these things can't be helped.


While he got comfortable, I put on my sexy black dress as he requested and some lip gloss.  Seeing as I don't wear make-up unless on cam, bookings or going out I felt comfortable, didn't even get to don a pair of earrings LOL.  I asked him if he was happy and he was indeed, so our booking commenced.

Lots of kissing, fumbling around, fondling and caressing.  He was very good with his tongue and gave me a few screaming orgasms to the point where I was screaming "fucking hell.. oh fuck.. yeah".  I couldn't help but squeeze his head with my thighs, luckily when he came up for air, his head was still the same shape as when he arrived.  He had his head stuck in my cleavage several times, a few of which I worried he may suffocate from lack of air.


We had sex, lots of oral and he did some un-bloggable things with a banana on my nether regions hehe..


Our session ended with me giving him a full body massage and a 69 with him blowing his load in my mouth.  Afterwards a shower together.

After a not so great month in February and my "time of the month" it was a very welcomed booking and I'm still smiling.  Hope to see him again.  It's really enjoyable when I meet a gent that's good with his tongue.


I always "click" with my clients.  I'm a people person, so find it easy to have a good rapport, but not all make me cum, so many a time when they're gone I finish myself off, but not this time.

So on to public transport.  All I can say is I'm now going to rethink doing any bookings in central London over the weekends.  I'm doubtful that the transport system will be ready and able to cope with the influx of tourists for the 2012 Olympic games.  I was thinking yesterday that TFL should publish a weekly underground map for the weekends as most lines are partially closed, meaning you have to navigate around like a mouse in a maze trying to get to what would normally be a straight forward A-B destination.  To top it off, they've got a real nerve to charge the same travel fees as if the tube lines were running normally.  Given that public transport in the UK is one of the most expensive in the world, the service is utterly abysmal!  A normal 40 minute journey took me 4 interchanges and 90 minutes.  Even going home at 10:30pm, the tube lines were overly congested with people trying to navigate their way around the crystal maze called London Underground.


So I'm thinking weekend bookings may need to be held in Croydon as it's easy to get to and away from all the chaos of the underground.  Watch this space and check my website for more info!

Yesterday my nail broke.  Right through the centre.  It kept snagging and was so sore.  When I got back home I used some nail glue, what a God send!  I'm off to the Chinese nail shop later for a manicure and pedicure, time for a change.  My nails are getting too long now, so need to be cut.  I had gel tips added, but as my nails have grown quite long, the nails are starting to resemble talons (in my eyes) and are starting to draw attention.  I noticed people looking on the tube yesterday and one smart Alec said to me yesterday "do they get in the way?".  So time to cut them back as although I'm getting by, they do make a few things inconvenient, like doing up buttons and now I'm having problems changing the channels on my Sky remote control, which is not good at all!


Lately I've been speaking to another escort, she seems really nice, we get on well.  I hardly ever speak to other escorts, well not hardly.. I don't due to past experience.  It's nice to swap experiences, give mutual advice and have a laugh about things.  Every one of us works differently, so it's interesting to hear from another's perspective.  She wants to go on tour to Ireland and Scotland.  Two places I've always wanted to visit, plus so many clients on cam and AW ask me when I'm coming and I can never give a date.  So that's a possibility later in the year.  If I have company there's more of an incentive.  How women go on tour for weeks, months even.. alone.. Don't they get bored?  It's all good and well when you're seeing clients, but there's only so much sight-seeing I'd want to do and I've never been one for museums, castles or long walks in the middle of nowhere.  So company to go shopping, clubbing and a few gym and spa sessions between bookings would be right up my street.


Anyway.. I best be off.. I wanna catch Eastenders omnibus.


See you in the week, catch me on Twitter and come say hi..


Ciao ciao.. *mwah*

Text Offenders, Forgiving & forgetting..

Blogger time!!

What's up people?!

Yesterday night I had this stupid twat texting me "hey x" several times, despite me not replying.  You'd think the bugger would get the message right?  Well he continued sending me these stupid messages until I got fed up and replied with "Stop your shit right now.  Find someone else to inflict yourself on.  Don't contact me again".

That's straight forward and polite, considering he was becoming a pest.  It stopped for a few hours, then at almost 2am he starts again.

This morning I woke up in a very foul mood and called the shit.  The phone went straight to voicemail.  I left him a message that was just as foul as my mood.  Think he must have got a sharp shock when he checked his voicemail LOL.

If he texts me one more time I'll be on the phone to his network provider reporting him for harassment.

Generally I don't tend to be on the receiving end of harassment as ignoring, a warning message and my general manner will let guys know that I'm not the one to play these silly games with.  That's not to say I don't have a pleasant telephone manner, of course I do.  When I answer the phone I'll always be polite with a cheerful disposition unless I've told you not to contact me again, in which case if you're stupid enough to do so expect to incur my full wrath and as I don't really care what I say when irate don't expect it to be anything nice.


Anyway enough of that.  Text offenders, you've been warned!!


Recently someone gave me cause for concern with their actions.  It resulted in my mind working overtime.  Before I could let it upset or anger me I felt it was easier to cut the strings rather than sit back and see how the situation would "pan out".  This would result in me having to put on a "front" and internalise my feelings whilst playing the waiting game.  I don't have the patience or tolerance threshold for that.  

Once I'd explained how I felt about the situation, the person apologised and explained why they did what they did.  We decided to continue as we were beforehand.  However, part of me is still very annoyed and now the person's given me cause for concern I'm now guarded in a way I wasn't before.  The problem is trying to balance what was apparently a genuine mistake with my issue of crossing the line.  Forgiving someone is one thing, but by crossing the line and planting the seed of doubt it automatically changes the balance of things.  Is the concept of forgive and forget ever possible?  

What does a person do when they can't forget?  The situation is one where I'd be unnecessarily cutting off my nose to spite my face by being stubborn and not giving a second chance.  I'm sure somewhere in the grand scheme of it all this will help to make me a better person.. although it's all too easy to make a clean cut.  Sometimes it's easier to lose a hand than an entire limb.  Gangrene springs to mind.


I watched Hancock yesterday for the first time.  I really enjoyed the film.  It's one of those movies I intended to see in the cinema but never quite got around to it.  Wished I had now.  Better late than never though eh?!  Can't think why it had so many bad reviews as the story line was good.  Will Smith and Charlize Theron acted very well.  Comedy, action, romance and some touching moments, not the really sappy shit though.


Still not had any bookings.  The phone hasn't rang once today.  Glad it's not just me though!  I need to get my act together and get back to webcamming *rolls eyes*  Plus I have birthdays of families, friends and myself coming up so need to get those bucks rolling in.


Yesterday I was watching "Lock up".  A documentary about US prisoners in maximum security state penetentiaries.  I always like watching these programmes.  Life incarcerated under extreme conditions.  These people are under lock and chain like dogs on leads virtually 24/7.  This particular episode showed 3 prisoners who had the whites of their eyes tattooed.  Red, blue and black.  They did this with needles and said it was painful.  I can bloody well believe that!  They looked flippin crazy!  You really can't expect to be rehabilitated and reintegrated back into society when you do such things that will isolate you from most people in society.  Who the fuck is going to employ you when you look like a freak straight up from a horror movie?  If they did it for the shock factor they succeeded on that front.


I haven't got anything exciting to report, nada, nish, zilch.  I've been a good girl, no sexy, sordid debauchery of late.


During this quiet period I've been using time to read many forums reporting on timewasters, misogynistic punter forums (another blog in the making) and being well rested.


So that's me done for today.. Hasta la vista *mwah*

Reflecting on last week... It's been a while ;)

Hello Blogging World..

I've been a bad girl, neglecting my blogging duties, but to be honest lately I can't be arsed to write a thing!

So.. what have I been up to?!

I went to Northampton over the weekend to visit a friend (let's call the Friend "X").  X is in a private secure mental unit.  I'm always worried when visiting these places in case they decide to keep me in there.

How did X become a resident of such a place?  Basically through lashing out, not engaging the brain before the fists, serious assault on a police officer, led X to Holloway.  Whilst in prison X assaulted a prison officer.  Together with an unstable background and other issues I won't go into led X to be sectioned and end up in a psychiatric unit where X was confined and medicated constantly.  X eventually was transferred to a private provider in Northampton.

When visiting X, I was surprised at how dilated the pupils were.  My goodness, they were almost as large as the eyeballs themselves, a sure sign of serious medication.  X has been at this place for over 2 years and there's no set day for release.  To me, this is worse than a prison sentence.  At least if you're sentenced to 5 years imprisonment, you could be out in 2 on good behaviour.  Being detained indefinitely must bear some similarities to life imprisonment.

It's quite scary really, looking at X's predicament.  Knowing full well that I could easily have ended up in the same place had I not learned to engage my brain before my mouth or fists.  Being the hot-headed fiery character I am, can lead one down a very slippery slope of virtually no return.  It scares me at times.  

The place where X is staying probably costs around 1 million a week to run.  They have everything there.  It looks like a celebrity retreat where they go to recover from drugs or nervous breakdowns.  Church on site, swimming pool, shops, on site therapists and cooks, you name it they have it and brand spanking new.  But whichever way you look at it, it's a mental secure unit.  Freedom is priceless.

I had my first Indian takeaway meal (for this year) over the weekend.  Honestly it was disgusting.  I love Indian cuisine, but this was full of oil and everything was so sweet.  I don't go for sugar in meat.  It's either sweet or savoury.  Sweet meat is not my thing!  I ended up munching a pack of cream crackers a few hours later.  I must say the restaurant around the corner from me does excellent cuisine, Indian, Nepalese and Sri Lankan cuisine.  It's never greasy, full of flavour, nicely priced and of a high standard.

I had no bookings whatsoever for escorting last week.  February has been a horrid month.  One of the worst since I started escorting.  The phone barely rang, when it did, it was time wasters.  I wondered at one point if there was a problem with my phone line.  That's how bad it was.

I guess guys are still feeling the pinch from Christmas, New Years, January sales, Valentines day and half-term for school.  Pay day isn't until next week.  

Yesterday I had a guy prolifically sending texts, when I replied by text asking to call me to arrange a booking.  He called and you know the bastard "drop" called me, then had the cheek to text me asking me to call him back!  I sent him a final text saying "Just stop right now.  Find someone else to inflict yourself on.  You'll receive no further response from me".  That was it, he got the message.  

Two phone calls today, am I available for bookings within an hour's notice.  Both were refused.  Clearly these guys are looking for cum buckets or they think I'm sitting around in hooker gear waiting for their bookings.  Yes, the cash would be handy, but it's the principle of the matter here.  I do have a life outside of escorting.  I'm not at anyone's beck and call.

This week I'd like to go to the cinema and see "Big Mommas House - Like father like son", something like that.  Looks like it'll be a funny comedy.

So on top of that I'm hoping I get to see a few clients this week.  Seems like ages since I had a booking and I do enjoy entertaining clients, dressing up, being a temptress and the feel of crisp bank notes in the palm of my hand.

Well that's me over and out, time for a cuppa soup, my tummy is rumbling big time.

Catch you all sooner, rather than later *mwah*

For Fucks Sake!!

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